We are responsible for US and US alone

Disclaimer: these words, thoughts and opinions are mine and mine alone.

So......I read an article on yesterday about a young woman who went on a date with actor comedian Aziz Ansari and by her accounts the date was "not fun for her and he made her feel uncomfortable".

Now let me give you a summary of their date to give you some perspective. She met Ansari at a party and was excited to meet him, she went up to him said hi....he was disinterested. She persisted and pointed out that they had the same unique camera. The talked, flirted throughout the night even though she was there with another date. They exchanged numbers before leaving and when he got back to NY he contacted her for a date. Fast forward to date night, she goes to his place in Tribeca and the leave from there to a nice seafood restaurant. They order dinner and a bottle of wine, per her words she felt that he was rushing through dinner to the point of asking the waiter for the check when she still had food on her plate and wine in her glass and the bottle. They walk back to his place and the semi sexual encounter begins. She comments on his counter tops, he ask her to hop up on it, he starts to kiss her and she kisses him back. He undresses himself and her and although she states she feels uncomfortable they continue. He then starts to give her oral sex, he ask for a BJ in return, she obliges. He voices that he's going to get a condom......she responds "Whoa, let's relax for a sec, let's chill". They continue to kiss, he puts his fingers in her mouth and ask her how and where does she want to be fucked, she let's him know that she feels uncomfortable. He backs away, they relax on the couch, the touching continues, he wants sex and alludes to it. She continues to resist with nonverbal ques as she states, he's never forceful or threatening. This went on for another 30 minutes until she decides she's had enough and goes on to tell him that you guys are all the fucking same. He calls her an Uber and she goes home
She decides to contact a few of her friends and tell them about the horrible date she just had and how all he wanted to do was get her drunk and have sex; she was disappointed.
She states her friends help her grapple with the aftermath of her night with Ansari. She says "it took a really long time for me to validate this as sexual assault. She says she was debating if this just an awkward sexual experience or sexual assault. She states that why she spoke with so many of her friends to get validation of her experience.

Now.....for my honest and humble opinion.

As I stated in the title of this story, we women are responsible for us and our actions. Outside of someone having a weapon to our head or bodies or being threatened, we have the right and should leave the situation when we no longer feel comfortable. It doesn't matter how much we like a person or how nice of a person we perceived him to be. When we no longer are having fun or feel like we're in a position of being pressured, it's time to go. We are not timid voiceless beings void of strength to the point we can't stand up for ourselves and let our voices be heard. We have the POWER until we chose to give it away by not speaking up. Just like we tell and ask the opposite sex to be and take responsibility for their actions. We have to do the same, no matter what the situation and I'm not talking about how we dress because there is NEVER a time where what you wear is an invitation for assault or rape. But we do have to be aware of our surroundings, our actions and how we respond to the situations we're in.

I feel that I can speak on this topic because I WAS a victim of rape and sexual assault as a child. I had no power, but what I did have was my voice and I knew that what was happening to me was wrong and I immediately told an adult.

These are my words and my opinions. Please share your thoughts and opinions, and although we may or may not agree I respect everyone's point of view.

#sonyacookementor

Here is the link to the original story: https://babe.net/2018/01/13/aziz-ansari-28355

The freedom of Transparency

Isn't it amazingly refreshing to admit "I DON'T HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER"!

Why do we feel as if we have to put on this façade to the world that all is peachy king in our lives and we have the bull by the horns? It's ok to not have all the answers.......it's ok to be unsure sometimes.

I honestly believe that we do this because we want to portray to the world.....our friends.....and even family members that nothing can get the best of us, and all the while we are crumbling inside. On the inside, our lives our filled with chaos and we're a tick away from breaking down and succumbing to mayhem in our lives.

Why do we feel we can't be transparent to the ones closest to us? The Merriam Webster dictionary defines Transparent as free from pretense or deceit. Is this how we want to be portrayed by the people we say we care about the most......deceitful and pretentious? I don't believe so. In our pursuit to transparency we really don't have to have it all together, and we don't have to appear that we do. What we should be aiming for is being able to be our authentic selves. In a world where everything and everyone is so made up and fake, it is invigorating to be true to yourself. Admitting that hey.......my kids are acting a plum fool, or I didn't get the promotion on the job because I've been late more then enough times. Or how about my relationship is not what it appears to be on social media.

Who are we trying to impress? Because truth be told we all have a mini tornado in our lives waiting to tear the roof off this mutha, LOL and the ones that appear as if they don't, possibly has so much stress in their lives from pretending that they're causing their own internal tornado.

Trust me, no one will look at you sideways for that, at least not the people in your life that truly care about you; hell they don't even have it all together. None of us do, but what we do have each other and a healthy sense of who we are and even though we don't have it all together and it seems as if the world is falling apart. Knowing that you can be who you really are without having to put on airs to impress others is so liberating. Also once we start to actually live in our truth, then and only then can we start to put the pieces together one by one and live the stress free life that transparency and authenticity affords.

#sonyacookementor

Identifying Your Challenges and Obstacles

"An unfortunate aspect of life is that we often create obstacles, usually unconsciously, that may serve some sort of immediate purpose, but end up being long-term liabilities.
You may need to step back and consider that you're getting in your own way".
(excerpt from Mastering the Best You Personal Development Course)

Often times we don't know that we're getting in the way of progress. We wonder why things are not progressing for us even though we are doing all the right things.......so it seems. But have you ever though that maybe, just maybe we are self-sabotaging our own gains? Sometimes we have to step back and take an inventorying of our thoughts, surroundings and what are goals truly are. We have to be patient and set timelines of what we want to achieve. We have to make sure that we are not getting in our own way by making moves that are contrary to what we are trying to accomplish.

For instance are you trying to advance on your job but you and your boss can't seem to see eye to eye. Instead of taking the high road and keeping your goals in mind, you continue to respond sarcastically via email. Or you respond when you want to......self-sabotage. How about your hope is to one day compete in a 5K run, you need to loose a little weight but your love of all things fried and sweet won't allow you too......self-sabotage. Last one, you just recently got out of a relationship that was not healthy. You were verbally and mentally abused and now you want to help other women break free and find their voice but........when he/she calls you become weak and find yourself right back in the situation you thought you have gotten out of.........self-sabotage.

These are all obstacles that we have allowed to self-sabotage our progress. Trust me, we've all been there but we have to 1. recognize it for what it is GETTING IN OUR WAY OF PROGRESS. 2. Make a conscious decision to recognize what the challenge is and find ways to move in the opposite direction. 3. Make up in your mind that you are not going to allow anyone, anything and not even yourself to get in the way of you realizing your goals. It can be hard to break old habits, but the old saying goes WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER!

Stay tuned for the Master The Best You Personal Development Course for a more in-depth understanding of Identifying Your Challenges and Obstacles.

#personaldevelopment

Sonya Cooke
Life Strategist and Mentor
sonyacookethementor.com

The Importance of Mentors

Mentor: an experienced and trusted adviser

Mentors play an important role in the life and the development of young girls and women. A mentor described above is a older trusted adult that can provide sound advice, guidance and encouragement. Mentors often have the uncanny ability to help us become more than we thought we could be; they  encourage us to stretch ourselves outside our comfort zones, to open our minds to new ways of thinking, and help us realize that the world is much broader and more diverse than our little corners of it.

Well isn't that role reserved for the parents?

Yes....but as parents who are willing to provide guidance to our kids and always have their best interest at heart, sometimes our children find it hard to talk to us about some things. They find some topics embarrassing, they feel they may get in trouble discussing some topics, or they're convinced that their parents are old fogies that just wouldn't understand. That's where mentors come in.

Today mentors are especially important for young girls trying to navigate through life littered with images that are contrary to real life issues. As girls try to find their way through adolescents, they face the challenges of moving through physical, psychological, sexual, and emotional development with a healthy sense of self worth intact. A mentor at this stage in a girl's life can have a
wide-ranging impact on her successfully navigating those years to adulthood.

A mentor-mentee relationship provides a protected space for the adult woman and the girl/young woman to connect through shared experiences. The mentor has the opportunity and privilege of offering feedback, teaching, affirming, empowering, motivating, guidance and support. Other benefits of mentoring include improved confidence, leadership, and communication for both parties.

As you can see, mentors play and important roll in shaping a young girls life. Make sure that you trust them, that the mentor you/or your daughter chooses reinforces your morals and values. Make sure that they don't diminish your role as a parent but enhances it by reinforcing family values and encouraging the teen to honor the relationship with her parents. That if your daughter choose to emulate anyone other than you, you would be proud.

Be A Mentor, Find A Mentee

Stay Focused

In your pursuit towards Personal Development you have to continue to remind yourself to stay focused and not get sidetracked by the distractions that try to get in the way of reaching your goals and success.

In our day to day lives we have projects that we complete daily to get us to our end goal. Most days we can never go without a distraction that pulls us away from our planned assignment. Whether it's the kids needing care, or a spouse/significant other needing your attention......interruptions will always be around the corner. That will happen from time to time and it's ok.
One thing we have to remember is that in life we will always have things and situations that will try and take our mind off what's important. With social media, phone calls that interrupt, a family emergency or a last minute deadline that you forgot about on your job; interruptions are the norm

We have to make sure that our goals are priority number one. We also cannot let these distractions get us down and mess with our confidence in terms of getting fed up and quitting. Just know that there will always be obstacles and challenges that get in your way.

Make sure that you don't allow them to stand in the way of progress. Remember STAY FOCUSED!

Reflection

As a human being, daughter, mother, wife and mentor I am a flawed person.........but my heart is pure. I've made mistakes in my life, some were of my own doing, others were not; but at the end of the day my heart has remained pure. I've made decisions that didn't have favorable outcomes but I've also made decisions that have made me proud. I have a few regrets but for the most part I believe all of my life experiences have made me the woman I am today.

I love people, helping and wanting the best for everyone. I am thankful for the servants spirit that I've been blessed with and my goal in life is to continue to contribute to the success and personal development of girls and women. I may not get it right all of the time, but with the love and support of true friends and family I know that my best will always prevail.

I want to continue to be the best wife, mother, daughter and friend that I can possibly be. And if I fall short please remind me in love vs. malicious criticism.

Personal reflection and introspective thinking will always make you a better person if you are willing to do the work. I have found that at times the work seemed a bit overwhelming, but if I wanted to excel in my personal life as well as my professional life I had to stop making excuses, own up to my failed decisions, embrace the successes, learn from both and make changes where needed.

It has been an eye opening process, but one well worth the tears, laughter, pain and triumphs. I am a better person for it all and will continue on the road of improvement and personal development.

Just my thoughts.

What has your personal reflection revealed about you?

The Truth vs. Our Reality

It's amazing how we don't accept the things that are put before us as truth in order to teach us something. I've recently been involved in a conversation where a person clearly showed everyone who they really were, but because her behavior had not shone itself before, it was a shock to everyone and they just can't accept it.  Mya Angelou once said "When people show you who they are, believe them".

Why do we find it so hard to accept people for who they really are? Whether it be a husband/significant other, a friend, or a co-worker. We would rather hang on to the false reality that the person we know is the genuine person that we see and talk to daily, as if they have it all together.  For instance, the young man that lives next door. Everyone always says he was so quiet, always kept to himself and never bothering anyone. But then you hear about him causing mayhem at the school or the movie theater or even against someone. You'll hear neighbors, friends and even teachers say that they never would have thought he would do something like this or that. He was a really nice person.

Or how about the husband/significant other; to everyone on the outside he is loving, caring, polite to you (in public) and everyone else. He loves his mother, sisters and all other female family members; he takes care of you financially and you want for nothing........except peace in your home. He has lead everyone to believe he is the perfect partner but behind closed doors he's a menace, being verbally and sometimes physically abusive.

Or in the case of the above conversation that I was having via social media. This instructor was well liked by it seems many, she was very helpful, a good instructor by many accounts. But this instructor lost her cool over a difference of opinion so to speak. This instructor lost her cool regarding a student to the point she allowed herself to be fired from the University and caught an assault case against said student. There were a few terms being thrown around to describe her character, going off of her behavior and actions; by all accounts the terms are spot on. For some reason others continued to make excuses for her behavior and not accept her for who she is.

The instructor showed her true character, why is it that some choose to not accept it? What attachment, emotional or otherwise, do we hold with people as to why we don't want to believe a person for who they really are. Is it that we've formed our own opinion and ideas about them and those formed ideas make us comfortable. Or is it the image that we've formed in our minds, then once their true character shines through our judge of character is flawed by our misjudgment?

Oprah amended the saying stating "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST time".

Whatever the case, at the end of the day we have to accept the true reality of a person and live with it.