Loving the Skin You're In

“Stop the madness, you are beautiful just the way you are.”

One of the session topics with Girl Talk, my non-profit empowerment program for girls 10-18 years old is “Loving the Skin You’re In”, where we attempt to teach the girls that you are beautiful just the way God made you. That true beauty resonates from the inside and that the standards that societies sets are not realistic for the average girl or woman.

From the time women are little girls, they are given unrealistic ideas of beauty. These messages are sent through cartoons, dolls and other toys, such as Disney princesses, which have disproportionate waistlines. As our girls become tweens and teens and well into adulthood, there are music videos and reality TV that bombard their psyche. They are told that their natural hair is not good enough, girls are now being sent home from school due to wearing their natural hair that grows out of their scalp. Girls are seeing an unrealistic trend in some of our popular reality and hip hop stars with over voluptuous behinds that requires surgery to get. You can turn on the TV to any reality show such as Love and Hip Hop and see how all of the women have had some type of body enhancement. And that’s not to say that anything is wrong BUT if you do those types of procedures hoping it will make you more beautiful or desirable; therein lies the problem.

In the United States, shows such as “The Real Housewives” make cosmetic surgery seem normal by featuring procedures such as nose jobs and liposuction. In Brazil, there are nonprofits dedicated to giving low-income individuals beauty procedures. Their government also subsidizes procedures, claiming it will help with self-esteem.

In the Girl Talk session our goal is to get the girls to understand that you can do all the nipping, tucking, injecting and sewing in all you want but if you’re not happy with yourself on the inside, none of the cosmetic procedures done will do any good to boost your self-esteem and self-image. Here are a few stats from www.dosomething.org: 

•  Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape. Unfortunately, only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media.
• Studies show that the more reality television a young girl watches, the more likely she is to find appearance important.
• In a survey, more than 40% of women and about 20% of men agreed they would consider cosmetic surgery in the future. The statistics remain relatively constant across gender, age, marital status, and race.
• Students, especially women, who consume more mainstream media, place a greater importance on sexiness and overall appearance than those who do not consume as much.
• 95% of people with eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.

As you can see by the above stats, girls are feeling pressured at an early age to look a certain way; and often times that way is not conducive to a healthy psychology mindset about oneself.

Loving the Skin You’re In should be a mantra that all of us women ascribe to. We cannot allow celebrities or models to dictate how beautiful we are or what lens we should see our-self through. As the good book says, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the beholder is YOU!

Conversations for Daughters and Bonding

In light of the Conversations for Our Daughters series starting tomorrow, May 26th at the Juan Solomon Community Center, I thought it would be fitting to give some insight on why I feel it is important for mothers and daughters to be able to communicate without judgement.

It is very important for mothers and daughters to establish a strong bond because young girls look to their mothers to learn how to be a woman - a complicated task; and it is very important to start this bonding process at an early age.

When girls feel comfortable communicating with their mothers in a healthy way they often times avoid the low self-esteem and awkwardness that comes during puberty.  There's so much information out there that says girls have to be thin and pretty and attached to a boy in order to be a whole person. In the media, in advertising, on television and in movies, there are some really damaging messages for young girls who haven't quite figured out how to interpret those images. When girls start the hormonal change it can be quite difficult for them, a lot of times they’re not mature enough to handle the physical or psychological changes that they go through. That’s why it’s imperative for mothers to be there for their daughters in a loving way, without judgement and accusations.

As young girls start to make that change from a girl to a young woman and try to establish her individuality. There may be a bit of pulling away and a subtle uneasiness between a mother and a daughter, which may begin innocently enough. Don't assume that your daughter doesn't need or want to share with you what’s going on with her.

Daughters need to know that mom has gone through the same things and has had experienced similar issues. They need to know that there is a common bond that they share……and its womanhood. Mom’s make sure that when you’re having these enlightened conversations that you leave your judgement's at the door.

So mom’s make sure that you make it comfortable for your daughters to come and talk to you, make sure that you’re a girlfriend willing to give advice on sensitive issues that are important to your daughter but a loving mother wanting her to have all the tools needed to make informed decisions. Sure at times it won’t be easy, but I promise you it will be well worth it.

Here are a few points that I believe will strengthen the bond between mother and daughter.

• Find common interest- Most mothers and daughters love pampering time. Schedule some girl time with your daughter and help her see that you two are more alike than different. This will break down some barriers and allow her to see you in a more relaxed setting and see you with a different set of eyes.
• Give thoughtful advice- When giving advice to our daughters we oftentimes come off as authoritative vs. loving. Even though we are or our goal is to come from a loving place. When giving advice to our daughters allow the conversation to be a two way conversation, give advice or the recommendation and then explain why. When I was growing up my mother a lot of times said “Because I said so”, we are in the day and age where that statement will be at the downfall of our girls. They have too many avenues to get information from and not all of them have their best interest in mind. Make sure you set the stage to where your daughter feels comfortable coming to talk with you.
• Make time to connect- In today’s society we are super busy. Busy with work, school, taking care of the home and everything else in between. Moms…….we absolutely have to make time to connect with our girls. During their tween and teen years girls start to have hormonal changes to their bodies, they begin to find interest in the opposite sex and their attitude starts to change……and oftentimes not for the better. Mother’s it’s better to get a jump start on connecting with your daughter so when all of these changes start to happen you won’t have to try a break down the wall of resistance.      
• Mom, your daughter is a reflection of you- Mom your daughter is a miniature you, when you look at her you see a younger version of yourself and you want her to avoid all of the mistakes you made and the hardships you experience. That can only happen when the doors of communication are open. In order for our daughters to understand who we are as women, they need to know what made us the strong, passionate, confident woman we are today. Let’s sit down and start that conversation and allow our daughters to know who we are, how we got to this point and how they too can be a powerful, successful and confident woman.