The freedom of Transparency

Isn't it amazingly refreshing to admit "I DON'T HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER"!

Why do we feel as if we have to put on this façade to the world that all is peachy king in our lives and we have the bull by the horns? It's ok to not have all the answers.......it's ok to be unsure sometimes.

I honestly believe that we do this because we want to portray to the world.....our friends.....and even family members that nothing can get the best of us, and all the while we are crumbling inside. On the inside, our lives our filled with chaos and we're a tick away from breaking down and succumbing to mayhem in our lives.

Why do we feel we can't be transparent to the ones closest to us? The Merriam Webster dictionary defines Transparent as free from pretense or deceit. Is this how we want to be portrayed by the people we say we care about the most......deceitful and pretentious? I don't believe so. In our pursuit to transparency we really don't have to have it all together, and we don't have to appear that we do. What we should be aiming for is being able to be our authentic selves. In a world where everything and everyone is so made up and fake, it is invigorating to be true to yourself. Admitting that hey.......my kids are acting a plum fool, or I didn't get the promotion on the job because I've been late more then enough times. Or how about my relationship is not what it appears to be on social media.

Who are we trying to impress? Because truth be told we all have a mini tornado in our lives waiting to tear the roof off this mutha, LOL and the ones that appear as if they don't, possibly has so much stress in their lives from pretending that they're causing their own internal tornado.

Trust me, no one will look at you sideways for that, at least not the people in your life that truly care about you; hell they don't even have it all together. None of us do, but what we do have each other and a healthy sense of who we are and even though we don't have it all together and it seems as if the world is falling apart. Knowing that you can be who you really are without having to put on airs to impress others is so liberating. Also once we start to actually live in our truth, then and only then can we start to put the pieces together one by one and live the stress free life that transparency and authenticity affords.

#sonyacookementor

Identifying Your Challenges and Obstacles

"An unfortunate aspect of life is that we often create obstacles, usually unconsciously, that may serve some sort of immediate purpose, but end up being long-term liabilities.
You may need to step back and consider that you're getting in your own way".
(excerpt from Mastering the Best You Personal Development Course)

Often times we don't know that we're getting in the way of progress. We wonder why things are not progressing for us even though we are doing all the right things.......so it seems. But have you ever though that maybe, just maybe we are self-sabotaging our own gains? Sometimes we have to step back and take an inventorying of our thoughts, surroundings and what are goals truly are. We have to be patient and set timelines of what we want to achieve. We have to make sure that we are not getting in our own way by making moves that are contrary to what we are trying to accomplish.

For instance are you trying to advance on your job but you and your boss can't seem to see eye to eye. Instead of taking the high road and keeping your goals in mind, you continue to respond sarcastically via email. Or you respond when you want to......self-sabotage. How about your hope is to one day compete in a 5K run, you need to loose a little weight but your love of all things fried and sweet won't allow you too......self-sabotage. Last one, you just recently got out of a relationship that was not healthy. You were verbally and mentally abused and now you want to help other women break free and find their voice but........when he/she calls you become weak and find yourself right back in the situation you thought you have gotten out of.........self-sabotage.

These are all obstacles that we have allowed to self-sabotage our progress. Trust me, we've all been there but we have to 1. recognize it for what it is GETTING IN OUR WAY OF PROGRESS. 2. Make a conscious decision to recognize what the challenge is and find ways to move in the opposite direction. 3. Make up in your mind that you are not going to allow anyone, anything and not even yourself to get in the way of you realizing your goals. It can be hard to break old habits, but the old saying goes WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER!

Stay tuned for the Master The Best You Personal Development Course for a more in-depth understanding of Identifying Your Challenges and Obstacles.

#personaldevelopment

Sonya Cooke
Life Strategist and Mentor
sonyacookethementor.com

The Importance of Mentors

Mentor: an experienced and trusted adviser

Mentors play an important role in the life and the development of young girls and women. A mentor described above is a older trusted adult that can provide sound advice, guidance and encouragement. Mentors often have the uncanny ability to help us become more than we thought we could be; they  encourage us to stretch ourselves outside our comfort zones, to open our minds to new ways of thinking, and help us realize that the world is much broader and more diverse than our little corners of it.

Well isn't that role reserved for the parents?

Yes....but as parents who are willing to provide guidance to our kids and always have their best interest at heart, sometimes our children find it hard to talk to us about some things. They find some topics embarrassing, they feel they may get in trouble discussing some topics, or they're convinced that their parents are old fogies that just wouldn't understand. That's where mentors come in.

Today mentors are especially important for young girls trying to navigate through life littered with images that are contrary to real life issues. As girls try to find their way through adolescents, they face the challenges of moving through physical, psychological, sexual, and emotional development with a healthy sense of self worth intact. A mentor at this stage in a girl's life can have a
wide-ranging impact on her successfully navigating those years to adulthood.

A mentor-mentee relationship provides a protected space for the adult woman and the girl/young woman to connect through shared experiences. The mentor has the opportunity and privilege of offering feedback, teaching, affirming, empowering, motivating, guidance and support. Other benefits of mentoring include improved confidence, leadership, and communication for both parties.

As you can see, mentors play and important roll in shaping a young girls life. Make sure that you trust them, that the mentor you/or your daughter chooses reinforces your morals and values. Make sure that they don't diminish your role as a parent but enhances it by reinforcing family values and encouraging the teen to honor the relationship with her parents. That if your daughter choose to emulate anyone other than you, you would be proud.

Be A Mentor, Find A Mentee

Stay Focused

In your pursuit towards Personal Development you have to continue to remind yourself to stay focused and not get sidetracked by the distractions that try to get in the way of reaching your goals and success.

In our day to day lives we have projects that we complete daily to get us to our end goal. Most days we can never go without a distraction that pulls us away from our planned assignment. Whether it's the kids needing care, or a spouse/significant other needing your attention......interruptions will always be around the corner. That will happen from time to time and it's ok.
One thing we have to remember is that in life we will always have things and situations that will try and take our mind off what's important. With social media, phone calls that interrupt, a family emergency or a last minute deadline that you forgot about on your job; interruptions are the norm

We have to make sure that our goals are priority number one. We also cannot let these distractions get us down and mess with our confidence in terms of getting fed up and quitting. Just know that there will always be obstacles and challenges that get in your way.

Make sure that you don't allow them to stand in the way of progress. Remember STAY FOCUSED!

Reflection

As a human being, daughter, mother, wife and mentor I am a flawed person.........but my heart is pure. I've made mistakes in my life, some were of my own doing, others were not; but at the end of the day my heart has remained pure. I've made decisions that didn't have favorable outcomes but I've also made decisions that have made me proud. I have a few regrets but for the most part I believe all of my life experiences have made me the woman I am today.

I love people, helping and wanting the best for everyone. I am thankful for the servants spirit that I've been blessed with and my goal in life is to continue to contribute to the success and personal development of girls and women. I may not get it right all of the time, but with the love and support of true friends and family I know that my best will always prevail.

I want to continue to be the best wife, mother, daughter and friend that I can possibly be. And if I fall short please remind me in love vs. malicious criticism.

Personal reflection and introspective thinking will always make you a better person if you are willing to do the work. I have found that at times the work seemed a bit overwhelming, but if I wanted to excel in my personal life as well as my professional life I had to stop making excuses, own up to my failed decisions, embrace the successes, learn from both and make changes where needed.

It has been an eye opening process, but one well worth the tears, laughter, pain and triumphs. I am a better person for it all and will continue on the road of improvement and personal development.

Just my thoughts.

What has your personal reflection revealed about you?

The Truth vs. Our Reality

It's amazing how we don't accept the things that are put before us as truth in order to teach us something. I've recently been involved in a conversation where a person clearly showed everyone who they really were, but because her behavior had not shone itself before, it was a shock to everyone and they just can't accept it.  Mya Angelou once said "When people show you who they are, believe them".

Why do we find it so hard to accept people for who they really are? Whether it be a husband/significant other, a friend, or a co-worker. We would rather hang on to the false reality that the person we know is the genuine person that we see and talk to daily, as if they have it all together.  For instance, the young man that lives next door. Everyone always says he was so quiet, always kept to himself and never bothering anyone. But then you hear about him causing mayhem at the school or the movie theater or even against someone. You'll hear neighbors, friends and even teachers say that they never would have thought he would do something like this or that. He was a really nice person.

Or how about the husband/significant other; to everyone on the outside he is loving, caring, polite to you (in public) and everyone else. He loves his mother, sisters and all other female family members; he takes care of you financially and you want for nothing........except peace in your home. He has lead everyone to believe he is the perfect partner but behind closed doors he's a menace, being verbally and sometimes physically abusive.

Or in the case of the above conversation that I was having via social media. This instructor was well liked by it seems many, she was very helpful, a good instructor by many accounts. But this instructor lost her cool over a difference of opinion so to speak. This instructor lost her cool regarding a student to the point she allowed herself to be fired from the University and caught an assault case against said student. There were a few terms being thrown around to describe her character, going off of her behavior and actions; by all accounts the terms are spot on. For some reason others continued to make excuses for her behavior and not accept her for who she is.

The instructor showed her true character, why is it that some choose to not accept it? What attachment, emotional or otherwise, do we hold with people as to why we don't want to believe a person for who they really are. Is it that we've formed our own opinion and ideas about them and those formed ideas make us comfortable. Or is it the image that we've formed in our minds, then once their true character shines through our judge of character is flawed by our misjudgment?

Oprah amended the saying stating "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST time".

Whatever the case, at the end of the day we have to accept the true reality of a person and live with it.

Work/Task Overload

Work/Task overload can be damaging to us as it causes stress and a lot of pressure, due to the fact that it reduces our recovery time between workdays.

Here recently I've found myself in this very position. Multitasking.......trying to juggle the very tasks that are important to me, all while burning the candle at both ends getting worn out. At times it is important to ask ourselves whether we are managing our time as efficient as possible and if we are able to improve our productivity. Here are a few ways that multitasking is killing our mojo.

Multitasking is killing our brain
While trying to work, we often find ourselves doing 2-3 tasks at the same time. We're asking our brain to split its attention and it can't do that. Our brains are not capable of focusing successfully on multiple tasks at once. We think they are but what's happening is your brain is jumping back and forth between tasks, focusing briefly on one thing at a time. And not only can our brains not make it happen, but they get damaged when we try to force them.

Constant interruption brings on higher levels of stress. It's intellectual overload, and it dulls our brain and our reaction times. According to a study at the University of Sussex, constant multitasking is actually harmful to your brain. They found out that people who regularly multitask have lower brain density in the area of their brain responsible for empathy, cognitive control and emotional control.

The good news is that you can fix that damage, the study found that if you take up activities that require concentration or make changes to the things distracting you can reverse the damage. Work on one thing at a time, in a place where you can concentrate.

So NO, don't multitask. Don't damage your brain because that's going to have an effect on your writing, the quality of your work, as well as how you manage with the rest of your task.

Multitasking makes you less productive
According to Dr. Susan Weinschenk, the appropriate word is task-switching. She states that it takes more time to switch tasks then to stick with them until you finish. We think because we're good at switching from one task to the next that that makes us good at multitasking, NO. It actually makes us less creative. Studies have found that multitasking reduces your productivity by 40%....that means your brain is only operating at 60%. We're wasting intelligence.

So if you're convince that multitasking makes you super-productive than your super-wrong. It just means that you backtrack a lot because every time you switch tasks, you have to repeat a bit to find out where you last left off.

Multitasking lowers the quality of your work
When you multitask, your work suffers TERRIBLY!
A study done by the National Bureau of Economic Research discovered that multitasking reduces workers performance, makes project last longer, and creates that panic buildup because your to-do-list isn't getting done.

Peter Bregman wrote about his experience with multitasking in the Harvard Business Review. While sitting in on a conference call, Bregman decided to not waste time and email a client. He sent the email but realized that he forgot the attachment, he then sent another email apologizing and added the attachment to the email. He then had to send another email to the same person apologizing because the attachment he sent was wrong (he was doing too much). He proceeded to send the correct attachment. Now all while he was sending out emails and the wrong attachments, the conference call attendees were waiting on him to answer a question, specifically, the Chair of the Board.

I have realized, matter of fact we all should realize that we are not being productive trying to do more than one thing at a time, actually it's just the opposite. We are not operating at our full potential thus why the quality of our work is sub-par.

Regardless of what we are trying to accomplish, we need to be mindful that we can only achieve one assignment at a time successfully. When we give our all to one task at a time, it yields all of the hard work and effort that we gave it. So don't burn yourself out trying to do too many things at one time........you'll find yourself too tired and failing at them all.

Just Breath

Sometimes you just have to let your hair down and breathe.
This year has been an amazing year for me Girl Talk has been going really well, as well as Sonya Cooke the Mentor and my public speaking has picked up. I've taken Girl Talk into three IPS schools and I've completed two speaking engagements; I also registered to receive my associates degree in Human Services at Indiana Wesleyan University, which will assist me and add value to my coaching business. Talk about a busy schedule.......at times it has been a bit overwhelming but I am learning that you have to take a deep breath, let your hair down and enjoy the moment and all the accomplishments that you've been making.

As you know life can throw you all kinds of curve balls, but as long as you're prepared, optimistic and consistent in going after what you believe you deserved. Nothing can stop you or keep you from achieving your goals.
In spite of everything that's going on around the world and in our community you have to make sure that you don't let those situation and things get you down and allow you to lose focus from your dream.
Make sure you remain encouraged, stay positive and always speak life into all of your circumstances that surround you.  And remember there will always be things and situations that try to keep you from achieving your goal. Pay it no mind, keep your head held high, your shoulder back and a smile on your face that says to the world......I Got This!

Issues Affecting Teen Girls

There are 10 common issues that affect teen girls everyday lives, they are:

• Appearance
• Education
• Dating/Sex
• Self Esteem
• Peer Pressure
• Bullying
• Friendship
• Drug and Alcohol use
• Depression
• Menstruation

In today’s Blog I’ll address a few of these issues that I feel are taking center stage in the lives of our teen girls.

Young girls today are under immense pressure to be ALL THAT. To be the prettiest, to have all the boys liking them, to have the longest hair, the best body and getting the most likes on social media. Between social media, reality shows and images they see of models in magazines no wonder they have issues navigating through their teenage years. Listed above are 10 common issues that teen girls face, I will speak on a few of them that I deem super important.

Appearance has a huge impact on how teen girls look at themselves. They see their favorite pop artist or reality TV star and they want to look just like them. From the long hair (often times it’s weave or wigs), big butts, tight fitting clothes, too much makeup and don’t forget the fake eyelashes. They feel they have to look like them in order to be popular or be liked by boys. This plays a huge role in their

Self-Esteem which can be damaged trying to live up to this standard or it could help them explore and try different looks that will help shape their outer image. Now don’t get me wrong, wearing weave and makeup and wanting to look your best is absolutely fine, it’s when too much emphasis is put on this area and it affects other areas in her life negatively i.e unwanted attention by the opposite sex, focus taken off grades and her future as well as friends.

Dating/Sex is another common issue that young teens face. At this crucial stage in their life their hormones are raging and they are coming into their womanhood. Boys that once got on their nerves are now growing up to be somewhat attractive to them. They also look at their favorite teen celebrities like Kylie Jenner and Selena Gomez and see that they are dating and dating older men and they feel as if they can do it as well. At this stage in their lives parents like me would rather our teen girls concentrate on their education, building solid friendships and looking forward to their future; but Peer Pressure will have them emulating their friends and what they see on TV and in the magazines/tabloids. That’s why it is important that teens build solid healthy Friendships during this time, because peer pressure is so serious you want to make sure that your teen is hanging around girls that are respectful to their parent and themselves. Girls interested in getting good grades and participating in after school activities as well as activities outside of school to keep the busy and not focused on the wrong things.

Where dating gets scary for teens is that there is a rise in teen dating domestic violence which can lead to Depression, Drug and Alcohol abuse and teen pregnancy. Here are just a few important facts:

• Roughly 1.5 million high school boys and girls in the U.S. admit to being intentionally hit or physically harmed in the last year by someone they are romantically involved with (Dating Abuse Statistics." www.loveisrespect.org).
• 1 in 3 young people will be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship (Liz Claiborne Inc. and The Family Fund. “Teen Dating Abuse 2009 Key Topline Findings.” http://nomore.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/teen_dating_abuse).
• In the U.S., 25% of high school girls have been abused physically or sexually. Teen girls who are abused this way are 6 times more likely to become pregnant or contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI) (Decker M, Silverman J, Raj A. 2005. Dating Violence and Sexually Transmitted Disease/HIV Testing and Diagnosis Among Adolescent Females. Pediatrics. 116: 272-276).
• Teens who suffer dating abuse are subject to long-term consequences like alcoholism, eating disorders, promiscuity, thoughts of suicide, and violent behavior (USA.gov. "Teen Dating Violence." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Accessed April 22, 2014)

These are all scary stats and facts that our teen girls are facing while trying to find their way through their teen years. In facing these issues our girls will need healthy relationships with other girls, with female family members and mentors that can guide them through as well as be there when advice is needed. We will need to be there not to judge their actions but to help them make good decisions that will affect the rest of their lives.

We have to let them know that they are beautiful without the superficial additives that society says is needed to be popular, successful and loved. That they are beautiful just the way God made them, that their outer beauty is nice but inner beauty, morals and character are just as important if not more. We have to teach them that they have to love themselves first, that they have to be a priority to themselves before they can be loved and respected by anyone else.

Lastly they need to know that the only opinion that matters is theirs because at the end of the day they have to look in the mirror and be happy with the person they see.

Sincerely, from a woman that suffered from most of these issues.

Can I Be Real

It all starts in the mind. Life and death are in the power of the tongue. Hard work and perseverance will garner success. Faith without works is dead.

We've all heard these sayings and mantras, and they're true when put in motion......but can I be real with you? IT'S HARD! But, it's so worth it. You have thoughts and ideas, dreams and passions and you want so much to be a success. Not for selfish reasons but for reasons that you want to see everyone whole and happy. Living life and enjoying it, challenges and bumps in the road but with prayer, faith and optimism, everything works out.

Your passion is what keeps you going, the love and support that surrounds you but yet somewhat pessimistic......or let's say a play it safe covering. But yet puts it in your hands in hopes of a smooth settlement in the future.

Everyone won't understand and it's not for them to. As long as the end game is beneficial for the home and the community, sit back and support and don't get in the way of progress. We all have something to contribute, no one has the monopoly on a strong community but us. You know who I'm talking about.......why can't we get it together, the potential is there so I don't know what the problem is. Why can't the shine be on the end result, forget who orchestrated it. We did it as a collective, we worked together for a common cause that would benefit us all. Isn't that all that matters?

I don't know.....I'm starting to wonder if we really want it.....or is it just lip service, does it look good to act like we care vs really caring. Is it that hard to work for a common cause that benefits us all? If so why? Does there need to be an appointed leader? We have a few worthy candidates on paper.....but is the heart right? That's what truly matters.

We are intelligent, charismatic, loving, jazzy, creative, inventive, knowledgeable and so many more positive attributes. I often wonder why you have to be apart of a click, organization, have 10 initials behind your name........it shouldn't matter. Change will come from the least expected, don't block the blessing.

We may not be intimately connected but we are connected by experience, understanding, passion and love of our people.

God, Mohammad or Budda will be the judge of our deeds......not man.

My honest words, written my way.

Sonya Cooke
Life Strategist and Mentor
sonyacookethementor.com

When You're Feeling Down

P.S.

I'm having one of those days

Giving Your All

Women are known to be nurturers and caregivers, so it's not surprising that at the end of a long day she is exhausted from tending to everyone but herself. As women, we focus so much on the happiness of those around us that we completely neglect our own.

As women we are taught, if not expected, to nurture and please everyone around us. We pour our energy into other people, focusing on their needs and wants while ignoring our own. Sometimes this feels good, often natural. Most of the time it's exhausting, but for many or most of us, it's a way of life.

In most societies women were raised to take care of the men in their family. Because men were the primary bread winner in the family, we were taught to make sure that the home was a safe-haven for them. We were taught to make sure that the home was clean and dinner was on the table when he returned home from a hard day's work. And that wasn't necessarily an unacceptable request, but as times change and women now are also equal breadwinners if not the primary one. Women are still in the same role with added responsibilities which keep them drained and on E at the end of the day.

With women now working outside the home, there is often no help with the responsibilities in the home. We are still the primary caregivers when it comes to our children although there are about 2 million fathers that stay at home per the Pew Research Centers. Mothers still bare the responsibility of making sure that the home is in order and organized.  We're making doctors appointments, calling about household repairs and making sure that everything runs smoothly for the kids and husband. We are not making sure that WE are running smoothly. Our health is neglected, we're not eating properly, we're not sleeping and due to our poor eating habits, we are out of shape. How are we functioning?

We're that best friend that will listen to your problems and offer solutions only to not get the same in return. We are in the church, our kids schools and making sure that hubby or the boss has all information needed for a successful presentation; all the while we are on empty. We're that chick that looks good on the outside, like we have it all together but is really falling to pieces on the inside. But this is what we're used to, making sure that all is well for everyone else. Deep inside you are drained, your body aches and your head is swirling because you have manage to make it about everyone else but you.

That stops NOW!

You can't pour from an empty cup. You have to take care of YOURSELF first.

It's time to take care of yourself so you can give the best of you to the ones you love. It's time to love on yourself; speak life, love, passion and success into you. It's time to take a mental health day just to think. Its time to draw a bubble bath, grab a book a glass of wine, put on some smooth jazz and woosa.

It's time to surround yourself with positive people that pour into your life without leaving you depleted. We have to make our love ones understand that we need to be taken care of and appreciated too. We need that downtime or day off every so often to catch our breaths and not get overwhelmed from the day to day responsibilities.

We have to take care and be responsible for US!

Are You What You Want In a Relationship?

Most of us want to be loved, protected, appreciated, taken care of and happy in a relationship. We want our potential mate to be in good financial standing, love his mother, take care of his children and have some kind of relationship with a higher power. We want him to be funny, generous, a gentleman and kind. We want him to be motivated, have good communication skills, be respectful and accept you for who you are. But ladies I have to ask.......are we bringing these same requests and qualities to the table? 

I've listened to countless women speak on what they want in a man; "he has to have this, that, and ABC and D". Prior to me being married I'm sure I've said the same things but if we're really honest with ourselves we'll have to admit that some of us are not ready or prepared to be in a healthy, long lasting relationship that should ultimately lead to marriage. 

Have we cleansed ourselves of the emotional baggage that lingers in our heart for a past lover? Are we financially stable to the point where we're not bringing unwanted debt to the relationship? Is your attitude prepared to compromise and not be about I but US? These are just some of the things that have to be looked at prior to entering a relationship. 

Why do we as women feel as if we are the only ones that are allowed to have standards.....we are the only ones that can have a list that we can check off once he meets the criteria? Before we even think about entering into a relationship that we want to eventually lead up to marriage, we need to have our own personal checklist. Below is a short list that I believe needs to be worked through before we can even think about joining together with a potential mate.

1. Past Hurts

There are so many issues that we need to work through regarding past hurts and pains that was inflicted on us in relationships long gone. Whether it was his fault or yours, we cannot bring that unhealthy baggage in the new relationship and expect it to grow and flourish into something beautiful. When we don't deal with these issues we oftentimes project those issues on or mate which in turn causes resentment and ultimately drives a wedge between you and him. Work through those issues and come into the new relationship with a fresh set of eyes and a clear heart ready to experience love and joy that a new relationship can bring.

2. Finances

I recall when my husband and I first got together I had a Jeep Cherokee, I loved that truck and thought it was everything. I needed to get some work done on it so my husband agreed to pay for it. Once the mechanic got to work on it he told my husband that the truck was garbage. We decided to scrap the truck and get me a new car, we get to the car lot and I had bad credit. At the time I didn't know that having NO credit was just as bad as having bad credit.  I say that to say make sure that you have your finances in order. If you want your potential mate to be in good financial standing, you should be as well. You can't start building together if you have to repair first, it's not fair to either of you.

3. Attitude

When you're single it's all about you. You don't have to think about anyone but yourself, when you're ready to go you go. When it's time to eat you only have to cook for one or pick something up. When you want to spend you don't have to ask anyone else if you can or not or if all the bills are taken care of. Know that it will be about US and not just YOU. You have to start to consider someone else's feelings, wants and needs going forward. 

4. Character

As a woman, you may have taken the time to create a list of characteristics that you want in a partner or significant other. In the same way, it is important that as a single person, you work hard to develop your character so that you are good match for the kind of person you desire. Reading books, taking personal development classes, setting personal goals and achieving them; all of these are things that grow your character as a person. For example, if you desire a partner that is honest, honesty is something that you also have to bring to the table. In the same way, if you desire a partner that has integrity, you too have to be a woman of your word and say what you mean and mean what you say. Character is who you are when no one else is watching and when entering a relationship it is the most important intangible thing that you bring. 

In closing, make sure you are the kind of woman that you would want in a man.

Servanthood

What is a SERVANT? What is the definition of a SERVANT?

Merriam Webster defines Servant as: One that serves others.

The good book defines a servant as Mark 10:45 "For even the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

It is such a beautiful feeling when you can go out and serve others. I myself find it rewarding and fulfilling when I know that I have touched someone's life in a way that made a positive difference for them. To serve others in love means that you do a good deed that involves helping others. While helping others you do it with the thought of kindness, sincerity and with the goal of brightening someone else's day.

One of my goals and prayers daily is to be a servant to someone in need, whether that be with my words, my deeds or just being supportive to my fellow man. I believe as leaders in our community we have an obligation to the people that look up to us to be an example of what true leadership means. True leadership is servanthood. Servanthood is an attitude exemplified by Christ. Living is giving; all else is selfishness and boredom.

There is so much that can be said about being a servant, but I will leave you with a scripture that speaks to how we should operate in the wonderful gift we have been blessed with. 1 Peter 4:10

"As each has received a gift, use it to SERVE one another as good stewards of God's varied grace."

Sisterhood

In times past, women shared a lot more than they do today. They shared caring for their babies, they gathered food and cooked together. The women and the children shared their lives intimately, and were a source of strength and comfort to each other on a daily basis. Women depended on one another for strength and nurturing of shared families. Women cared for one another in sickness, they help birthed each others children; they were so close oftentimes their menstrual cycles were synced (red tent traditions). Those are times long gone. In more recent times we have gotten away from being connected to our fellow sister. We are more isolated in our homes and lives, caring for our children with little help or no support  from our sisters and families. Some women don't have a support system at all, hence the term "latch key kids". Their is more stress on a single mother, and even married women feeling as if they have no help or release.

It's time to get back to SISTERHOOD! I know that most of us are raising children and taking care of our husbands and home but we have to make time and the opportunity to come together with our sisters and get the much needed girl time, healing and laughter that we most desperately need in our lives.

I recall when I met my girlfriend Yolanda, she's a few years older than myself so she was like a big sister. I was drawn to her because of her style, outgoing personality and she was a go getter in her career and when I really got to know her I noticed that she was surrounded by an amazing group of women. These were women that she had grown up with, known since elementary school and have amazing memories with that have taken them into adulthood. These are women that also welcomed me into their fold of sisterhood......thank you Yolanda, Sheila, Leslie, Gina, Deidra and Trachelle and so many more. There is no competition among these women and I believe it's because they have their own identities, they're secure in who they are and they have a genuine love for one another. Now that's not to say they don't have their disagreements but because of the bond that they share it doesn't disrupt the friendship that they have. That's true sisterhood. These are the types of relationships that we should all be looking for and cultivating, friendships that build us up and not tear us down. Relationships that are strong during the good and the bad times, trusting and nurturing, friendships that just don't take but gives just as much.

I have gained a few new relationships that I hope to cultivate into long lasting friendships. I always want to be surrounded by women that want to empower, motivate and inspire each other to the point of envy from others. Not envy in a bad way but envy in a way that other women want the same thing. It's not impossible. We are in a culture where it's acceptable to be jealous of another woman for superficial reasons. It's ok to gossip, fight and backbite other women to the point where it gets violent......that is not acceptable and we cannot allow the next generation of young women to believe that it is. It is possible to have good, loving, lifelong friends that have your back and love you unconditionally. That's what we need to strive for ladies and we should not give up until we have a tribe of women celebrating one another in the streets!

Thank you Rhuperdia, Sis. Kim, Monica, Annette, Mrs. Zenobia, Kelsey, and Tiffany for the love, support, and encouragement that you give.

Mind, Body, and Soul

In order to maintain a balance between your mind, body, and soul we have to nurture your whole self which includes your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. Let's take a look at  how we can achieve overall wellness by cultivating a mind, body, and soul balance.

Let's take a look at our mental health. When we speak of brain stimulation, physical exercise plays a key role in staying sharp. It increases oxygen to your brain and decreases the risk for conditions that lead to memory loss, such as diabetes and cardiovascular disease. Exercise also heightens the effects of helpful brain chemicals and reduces stress hormones. 

Learning new information and skills across your lifespan can also help keep your brain strong, even in your later years. Activities that challenge you the most will yield you the strength and brain power needed to remain healthy in the mind going forward. 

Now our mental and physical health are connected in a lot of ways, let's take a look. A clear difference is often made between the mind and body, poor physical health can lead to an amplified risk of developing mental health problems. Likewise, poor mental health can adversely impact physical health, leading to an increased risk of some conditions. The World Health Organization defines health "as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity". They also state that "there is no health without mental health".

This means that our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes can positively or negatively affect our natural operation. In other words, our minds can affect how healthy our bodies perform. 

Exercising also increases our energy levels, sense of well-being, sleep and brain health. Engaging in consistent exercise also lessens the risk of depression and anxiety. 

Many of us think that being spiritual means we have to be religious, quite the contrary. The whole idea of spiritual mindfulness is all about linking with a higher divine power, but also connecting with nature and yourself. Once you have acknowledged this connection, you'll see life from a whole different perspective. People with an extreme advance sense of spiritual awareness are often less prone to depression, addiction, manipulation, and control. In addition, they most often understands what it means to be truly happy and at peace with life and themselves. 

Your soul is an energy entity that holds part of your awareness, learn how to calm your mind so that you can hear the delicate voice and feeling inside you. A great way to do that is with breathing exercises and meditation, which strengthens your ability to communicate to your soul. 

Getting 6-8 hours of sleep is also important, it allows your body to recuperate from exhaustion. It also makes it easier for you to stay focused on your thoughts which allows you to stay in control and is important for increasing spiritual awareness. 

Spiritual awareness and nature are highly connected, when studying nature it helps you understand and live in harmony with it. When your connection with nature increases, so will your spiritual awareness. When you become more aware of your natural environment, you'll start to see things differently and understand why things happen as they do. Spiritual awareness helps you to understand who you truly are and the reason you were put here on this earth.

In closing, the mind, body, and soul are connected in such a way that we cannot live a healthy balanced life if either are out of sync. We must strive daily to consciously work on how we treat and speak to ourselves, how we allow others to treat us and make sure that we live a positive lifestyle that is conducive to love and happiness. 

Raising Powerful Girls

When raising powerful girls, our ultimate goal is to make sure that they are secure with themselves. They grow to make positive decisions about their lives and they think critically about the world surrounding them. We want them to express their feelings in a way that shows love and compassion towards themselves and others. We want our girls to know that they can do and achieve anything that they put their minds to and there is nothing that can stop them. They will know that hard work, determination, and doing the right things will always put them ahead of the game. 

When we look deep into what a powerful girl is, she is a person that pursues her passion and doesn't allow the challenges of life to get the best of her. She is raised with the knowledge that she can do and be whatever she sets her mind to and there is no glass ceiling that she can't break. She is full of self-confidence and knows that beauty resides on the inside and outer beauty is a plus. 

A powerful girl is raised to have a voice in the decisions regarding her well being (whenever possible of course). As parents we allow our girls to make decisions on what she wants to wear, what activities she wants to participate in and what career path she wants to take when the time comes. Allowing these decisions to be made by our girls gives them a sense of control over their life and reinforces their high esteem. 

When raising powerful girls, we want our daughters to be able to solve issues on their own, without us always coming to the rescue. When we do this girls don't develop the necessary coping skills needed to handle situations on their own. Ask your daughter about three separate situations that you stepped in to handle for her. Ask her how she would have handle it (if the scenario allowed it) and what the possible outcome could have been. Even if you don't agree with how she handled it, you gave her a sense of control over her life and show her that she can be responsible for her decisions.

We also want our daughters to love the image that looks back at them in the mirror. Body image issues are high among tweens and teens, with the images they see in the magazines, social media and TV. It can be a bit over whelming to a young mind to constantly be reminded of how she's supposed to look. As parents raising powerful girls we want to reinforce that brains are much more important than outer beauty. That assertiveness going after your goals and passion will take you just as far if not farther than looks will. We also want to make sure that we are assisting our daughters in making healthy choices when it comes to food and emphasize the importance of physical activity. 

When it comes to sex and loving relationships we as parents want the best for our daughters and we want them to make the best decisions possible when choosing to go down that path. We want to have age appropriate conversations with them so she understands the difference between sexualized images in the media and healthy sexuality. Through give and take discussions, we can help her begin to understand the difference between love and lust and how the media frequently portrays sex without love, intimacy or emotion. We want our daughters to make healthy decisions regarding sex and love and the only way to give them the control they need to make those decisions is through conversation. 

We want our daughters to have control in every area of their life, and though that may not be possible at all times the areas that they do have control over we want them to feel secure and powerful in those roles. As parents we have to make sure that we are giving them the tools that they need to go out in this world equipped with the knowledge needed to be successful in all that they do. They can only do that with our love and support. 

Healthy Relationships

What does a healthy relationship look like to you?  Is it a relationship that embodies mutual respect for all parties involved, honesty and fairness, along with good communication? If not, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationships that you're in.

There are four sets of important relationships one has in their life: the relationship you have with yourself, the relationship you have with your peers, the relationship you have with family members and lastly the relationship you have with your significant other. Now they are in no particular order  but I believe the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself because it sets the tone for all the other relationships in your life.

Let's start with the relationship you have with yourself. There is a really nice quote that I like by Henry David Thoreau that really speaks to the relationship one has with his/herself. It states "It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate". A healthy relationship starts with how you think and feel about yourself, do you speak positively to yourself i.e positive affirmations? I am a huge advocate of positive affirmations, how you speak to yourself will determine how you feel and what you feel you can achieve. Your relationship with self is the most important and crucial relationship in your life. Your career, your personal relationships, your home life and health are all a direct result of the quality of your relationship with you. Going forward make sure that you make positives changes when it comes to the relationship you have with yourself. Your attitude about yourself determines your outcome; your goal should be to have an authentic and positive relationship with yourself. This is the key to living an effective, successful, happy life.

Your relationship with your peers is also a very important relationship in your life. How do you want to be perceived by your boss and your peers? Competent, Reliable, Honest, Responsible, Self-Disciplined and Operates in Integrity. With friends, you want to be perceived as Trustworthy, Loyal, Compassionate, Forgiving, Generous, Kind, Loving and Reliable. These are positive attributes that you want to encompass in order to build healthy and successful relationships in your work environment. At the end of the day you have to know what is important to you by determining your values for your professional and personal life. This is determined by the company you keep, your perception of them and their perception of you. You want that relationship to be a positive, a transparent one, a relationship that will bear fruit and always keep you moving forward.

The relationship you have with your spouse or significant other is also an important relationship that should be based on Trust, Honesty, Support, Loyalty and Good Communication. All of these things take work. Each relationship is most likely a combination of both healthy and unhealthy characteristics. Relationships need to be maintained and healthy relationships take work.
I recall years ago talking t a friend that was separated from his wife, they were going through some things regarding their marriage and I made a comment stating that what he was going through was too much work. I also stated that I felt like that marriage should not be that much work.......boy was I wrong. Later in life once I got married my tune changed dramatically. I learned that anything worth having requires work on both parts. A healthy relationship should bring more happiness than stress into your life. Every relationship will have stress at times, but you want to prevent prolonged mental stress on either person in the relationship. Below are some points to keep in mind when pursuing a healthy relationship.

• Take care of yourself and have good self-esteem independent of your relationship
• Maintain and respect each others individuality
• Maintain relationships with friends and family
• Have activities apart from one another
• Express yourselves to one another without fear of consequence
• A feeling of comfort and security
• Take interest in one another's activities
• Trust and be honest with one another

Above all, your relationship with you comes first. Make sure that you nurture it and give it all the attention is deserves. The positive relationship you have with yourself will set the tone for the relationships proceeding it. 

#PERSONALDEVELOPMENT

Women in the Workplace, The challenges they have to navigate

Women, especially African American women are the most educated gender and race group. Women are half of the labor force and earn the majority of advanced degrees; but while women are doing outstandingly well in universities and in the workplace it's a contradictory representation. According to the Chicago Tribune, women are hitting a glass ceiling. Research also confirms that the higher a women climbs the workforce/corporate ladder, the greater the wage gap.

Pay equity is the biggest disparity among women in the workforce. Below are just a few categories of women earning less than men do in those same fields.

•       77.5% women’s salaries all occupations
•        72.7% women’s salaries in professional specialties
•        72.3% upper-level executives’ salaries

In spite of all the educational gains that women have made, the accumulative wage gap is more than the price of a home ($430,000).

Another barrier that women face in the workforce is that if they are competent, they are disliked by their peers. Unlike their counterpart that is seen as forceful and worthy of promotion, women who display the same traits are often seen as unfeminine, aggressive and untrustworthy. Psychologist Madeline Heilman of New York University notes that less competent women are seen as more likable but not very good at their jobs…….another lose lose for women.

Barrier 3 is the credit that women are due regarding their accomplishments. Women are hard workers and their desired goal is achievement. But oftentimes in achieving these great accomplishments the men are standing in the shadows ready to scoop in and take the credit. It’s not necessarily a matter of discrimination against women but simply a skewed idea we all have in our heads about what men and women can or can't do.

Despite these barriers, women are making gains in the entrepreneurial sector. Women owned businesses grew 1 ½ times the national average since 1997. Today between 30% -40% of all businesses are owned and operated by women.

When discussing the barriers that women face in the workplace and with the rising numbers in entrepreneurship, becoming a business owner looks very promising for women. Let’s look at some of the pros of being an entrepreneurial.

Partnership in Business

Pros:

Partners can contribute capitol

They offer a built-in support system

You share in the responsibilities

Two heads are better than one when it comes to ideas and creativity

Your business has access to a wide range of skill sets

So ladies, when it comes to the barriers that impede most women from reaching the highest levels of success in the workplace. It’s nice to know that we are making gains in another area that will allow us to put all of our time, energy and creativity in building our own empires where the glass ceiling is not an issue for us.

Sources:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-women-pay-gap-workplace-equality-perspec-0519-jm-20160518-story.html

https://www.resourcefulmanager.com/women-workplace-statistics/

http://glassceiling.info/barriers-for-women/

https://www.inc.com/young-entrepreneur-council/the-pros-and-cons-of-entrepreneurial-partnerships.html

Loving the Skin You're In

“Stop the madness, you are beautiful just the way you are.”

One of the session topics with Girl Talk, my non-profit empowerment program for girls 10-18 years old is “Loving the Skin You’re In”, where we attempt to teach the girls that you are beautiful just the way God made you. That true beauty resonates from the inside and that the standards that societies sets are not realistic for the average girl or woman.

From the time women are little girls, they are given unrealistic ideas of beauty. These messages are sent through cartoons, dolls and other toys, such as Disney princesses, which have disproportionate waistlines. As our girls become tweens and teens and well into adulthood, there are music videos and reality TV that bombard their psyche. They are told that their natural hair is not good enough, girls are now being sent home from school due to wearing their natural hair that grows out of their scalp. Girls are seeing an unrealistic trend in some of our popular reality and hip hop stars with over voluptuous behinds that requires surgery to get. You can turn on the TV to any reality show such as Love and Hip Hop and see how all of the women have had some type of body enhancement. And that’s not to say that anything is wrong BUT if you do those types of procedures hoping it will make you more beautiful or desirable; therein lies the problem.

In the United States, shows such as “The Real Housewives” make cosmetic surgery seem normal by featuring procedures such as nose jobs and liposuction. In Brazil, there are nonprofits dedicated to giving low-income individuals beauty procedures. Their government also subsidizes procedures, claiming it will help with self-esteem.

In the Girl Talk session our goal is to get the girls to understand that you can do all the nipping, tucking, injecting and sewing in all you want but if you’re not happy with yourself on the inside, none of the cosmetic procedures done will do any good to boost your self-esteem and self-image. Here are a few stats from www.dosomething.org: 

•  Approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting to achieve their ideal body shape. Unfortunately, only 5% of women naturally possess the body type often portrayed by Americans in the media.
• Studies show that the more reality television a young girl watches, the more likely she is to find appearance important.
• In a survey, more than 40% of women and about 20% of men agreed they would consider cosmetic surgery in the future. The statistics remain relatively constant across gender, age, marital status, and race.
• Students, especially women, who consume more mainstream media, place a greater importance on sexiness and overall appearance than those who do not consume as much.
• 95% of people with eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.

As you can see by the above stats, girls are feeling pressured at an early age to look a certain way; and often times that way is not conducive to a healthy psychology mindset about oneself.

Loving the Skin You’re In should be a mantra that all of us women ascribe to. We cannot allow celebrities or models to dictate how beautiful we are or what lens we should see our-self through. As the good book says, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the beholder is YOU!

Conversations for Daughters and Bonding

In light of the Conversations for Our Daughters series starting tomorrow, May 26th at the Juan Solomon Community Center, I thought it would be fitting to give some insight on why I feel it is important for mothers and daughters to be able to communicate without judgement.

It is very important for mothers and daughters to establish a strong bond because young girls look to their mothers to learn how to be a woman - a complicated task; and it is very important to start this bonding process at an early age.

When girls feel comfortable communicating with their mothers in a healthy way they often times avoid the low self-esteem and awkwardness that comes during puberty.  There's so much information out there that says girls have to be thin and pretty and attached to a boy in order to be a whole person. In the media, in advertising, on television and in movies, there are some really damaging messages for young girls who haven't quite figured out how to interpret those images. When girls start the hormonal change it can be quite difficult for them, a lot of times they’re not mature enough to handle the physical or psychological changes that they go through. That’s why it’s imperative for mothers to be there for their daughters in a loving way, without judgement and accusations.

As young girls start to make that change from a girl to a young woman and try to establish her individuality. There may be a bit of pulling away and a subtle uneasiness between a mother and a daughter, which may begin innocently enough. Don't assume that your daughter doesn't need or want to share with you what’s going on with her.

Daughters need to know that mom has gone through the same things and has had experienced similar issues. They need to know that there is a common bond that they share……and its womanhood. Mom’s make sure that when you’re having these enlightened conversations that you leave your judgement's at the door.

So mom’s make sure that you make it comfortable for your daughters to come and talk to you, make sure that you’re a girlfriend willing to give advice on sensitive issues that are important to your daughter but a loving mother wanting her to have all the tools needed to make informed decisions. Sure at times it won’t be easy, but I promise you it will be well worth it.

Here are a few points that I believe will strengthen the bond between mother and daughter.

• Find common interest- Most mothers and daughters love pampering time. Schedule some girl time with your daughter and help her see that you two are more alike than different. This will break down some barriers and allow her to see you in a more relaxed setting and see you with a different set of eyes.
• Give thoughtful advice- When giving advice to our daughters we oftentimes come off as authoritative vs. loving. Even though we are or our goal is to come from a loving place. When giving advice to our daughters allow the conversation to be a two way conversation, give advice or the recommendation and then explain why. When I was growing up my mother a lot of times said “Because I said so”, we are in the day and age where that statement will be at the downfall of our girls. They have too many avenues to get information from and not all of them have their best interest in mind. Make sure you set the stage to where your daughter feels comfortable coming to talk with you.
• Make time to connect- In today’s society we are super busy. Busy with work, school, taking care of the home and everything else in between. Moms…….we absolutely have to make time to connect with our girls. During their tween and teen years girls start to have hormonal changes to their bodies, they begin to find interest in the opposite sex and their attitude starts to change……and oftentimes not for the better. Mother’s it’s better to get a jump start on connecting with your daughter so when all of these changes start to happen you won’t have to try a break down the wall of resistance.      
• Mom, your daughter is a reflection of you- Mom your daughter is a miniature you, when you look at her you see a younger version of yourself and you want her to avoid all of the mistakes you made and the hardships you experience. That can only happen when the doors of communication are open. In order for our daughters to understand who we are as women, they need to know what made us the strong, passionate, confident woman we are today. Let’s sit down and start that conversation and allow our daughters to know who we are, how we got to this point and how they too can be a powerful, successful and confident woman.