Are You What You Want In a Relationship?

Most of us want to be loved, protected, appreciated, taken care of and happy in a relationship. We want our potential mate to be in good financial standing, love his mother, take care of his children and have some kind of relationship with a higher power. We want him to be funny, generous, a gentleman and kind. We want him to be motivated, have good communication skills, be respectful and accept you for who you are. But ladies I have to ask.......are we bringing these same requests and qualities to the table? 

I've listened to countless women speak on what they want in a man; "he has to have this, that, and ABC and D". Prior to me being married I'm sure I've said the same things but if we're really honest with ourselves we'll have to admit that some of us are not ready or prepared to be in a healthy, long lasting relationship that should ultimately lead to marriage. 

Have we cleansed ourselves of the emotional baggage that lingers in our heart for a past lover? Are we financially stable to the point where we're not bringing unwanted debt to the relationship? Is your attitude prepared to compromise and not be about I but US? These are just some of the things that have to be looked at prior to entering a relationship. 

Why do we as women feel as if we are the only ones that are allowed to have standards.....we are the only ones that can have a list that we can check off once he meets the criteria? Before we even think about entering into a relationship that we want to eventually lead up to marriage, we need to have our own personal checklist. Below is a short list that I believe needs to be worked through before we can even think about joining together with a potential mate.

1. Past Hurts

There are so many issues that we need to work through regarding past hurts and pains that was inflicted on us in relationships long gone. Whether it was his fault or yours, we cannot bring that unhealthy baggage in the new relationship and expect it to grow and flourish into something beautiful. When we don't deal with these issues we oftentimes project those issues on or mate which in turn causes resentment and ultimately drives a wedge between you and him. Work through those issues and come into the new relationship with a fresh set of eyes and a clear heart ready to experience love and joy that a new relationship can bring.

2. Finances

I recall when my husband and I first got together I had a Jeep Cherokee, I loved that truck and thought it was everything. I needed to get some work done on it so my husband agreed to pay for it. Once the mechanic got to work on it he told my husband that the truck was garbage. We decided to scrap the truck and get me a new car, we get to the car lot and I had bad credit. At the time I didn't know that having NO credit was just as bad as having bad credit.  I say that to say make sure that you have your finances in order. If you want your potential mate to be in good financial standing, you should be as well. You can't start building together if you have to repair first, it's not fair to either of you.

3. Attitude

When you're single it's all about you. You don't have to think about anyone but yourself, when you're ready to go you go. When it's time to eat you only have to cook for one or pick something up. When you want to spend you don't have to ask anyone else if you can or not or if all the bills are taken care of. Know that it will be about US and not just YOU. You have to start to consider someone else's feelings, wants and needs going forward. 

4. Character

As a woman, you may have taken the time to create a list of characteristics that you want in a partner or significant other. In the same way, it is important that as a single person, you work hard to develop your character so that you are good match for the kind of person you desire. Reading books, taking personal development classes, setting personal goals and achieving them; all of these are things that grow your character as a person. For example, if you desire a partner that is honest, honesty is something that you also have to bring to the table. In the same way, if you desire a partner that has integrity, you too have to be a woman of your word and say what you mean and mean what you say. Character is who you are when no one else is watching and when entering a relationship it is the most important intangible thing that you bring. 

In closing, make sure you are the kind of woman that you would want in a man.

Servanthood

What is a SERVANT? What is the definition of a SERVANT?

Merriam Webster defines Servant as: One that serves others.

The good book defines a servant as Mark 10:45 "For even the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

It is such a beautiful feeling when you can go out and serve others. I myself find it rewarding and fulfilling when I know that I have touched someone's life in a way that made a positive difference for them. To serve others in love means that you do a good deed that involves helping others. While helping others you do it with the thought of kindness, sincerity and with the goal of brightening someone else's day.

One of my goals and prayers daily is to be a servant to someone in need, whether that be with my words, my deeds or just being supportive to my fellow man. I believe as leaders in our community we have an obligation to the people that look up to us to be an example of what true leadership means. True leadership is servanthood. Servanthood is an attitude exemplified by Christ. Living is giving; all else is selfishness and boredom.

There is so much that can be said about being a servant, but I will leave you with a scripture that speaks to how we should operate in the wonderful gift we have been blessed with. 1 Peter 4:10

"As each has received a gift, use it to SERVE one another as good stewards of God's varied grace."

Sisterhood

In times past, women shared a lot more than they do today. They shared caring for their babies, they gathered food and cooked together. The women and the children shared their lives intimately, and were a source of strength and comfort to each other on a daily basis. Women depended on one another for strength and nurturing of shared families. Women cared for one another in sickness, they help birthed each others children; they were so close oftentimes their menstrual cycles were synced (red tent traditions). Those are times long gone. In more recent times we have gotten away from being connected to our fellow sister. We are more isolated in our homes and lives, caring for our children with little help or no support  from our sisters and families. Some women don't have a support system at all, hence the term "latch key kids". Their is more stress on a single mother, and even married women feeling as if they have no help or release.

It's time to get back to SISTERHOOD! I know that most of us are raising children and taking care of our husbands and home but we have to make time and the opportunity to come together with our sisters and get the much needed girl time, healing and laughter that we most desperately need in our lives.

I recall when I met my girlfriend Yolanda, she's a few years older than myself so she was like a big sister. I was drawn to her because of her style, outgoing personality and she was a go getter in her career and when I really got to know her I noticed that she was surrounded by an amazing group of women. These were women that she had grown up with, known since elementary school and have amazing memories with that have taken them into adulthood. These are women that also welcomed me into their fold of sisterhood......thank you Yolanda, Sheila, Leslie, Gina, Deidra and Trachelle and so many more. There is no competition among these women and I believe it's because they have their own identities, they're secure in who they are and they have a genuine love for one another. Now that's not to say they don't have their disagreements but because of the bond that they share it doesn't disrupt the friendship that they have. That's true sisterhood. These are the types of relationships that we should all be looking for and cultivating, friendships that build us up and not tear us down. Relationships that are strong during the good and the bad times, trusting and nurturing, friendships that just don't take but gives just as much.

I have gained a few new relationships that I hope to cultivate into long lasting friendships. I always want to be surrounded by women that want to empower, motivate and inspire each other to the point of envy from others. Not envy in a bad way but envy in a way that other women want the same thing. It's not impossible. We are in a culture where it's acceptable to be jealous of another woman for superficial reasons. It's ok to gossip, fight and backbite other women to the point where it gets violent......that is not acceptable and we cannot allow the next generation of young women to believe that it is. It is possible to have good, loving, lifelong friends that have your back and love you unconditionally. That's what we need to strive for ladies and we should not give up until we have a tribe of women celebrating one another in the streets!

Thank you Rhuperdia, Sis. Kim, Monica, Annette, Mrs. Zenobia, Kelsey, and Tiffany for the love, support, and encouragement that you give.

Mind, Body, and Soul

In order to maintain a balance between your mind, body, and soul we have to nurture your whole self which includes your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. Let's take a look at  how we can achieve overall wellness by cultivating a mind, body, and soul balance.

Let's take a look at our mental health. When we speak of brain stimulation, physical exercise plays a key role in staying sharp. It increases oxygen to your brain and decreases the risk for conditions that lead to memory loss, such as diabetes and cardiovascular disease. Exercise also heightens the effects of helpful brain chemicals and reduces stress hormones. 

Learning new information and skills across your lifespan can also help keep your brain strong, even in your later years. Activities that challenge you the most will yield you the strength and brain power needed to remain healthy in the mind going forward. 

Now our mental and physical health are connected in a lot of ways, let's take a look. A clear difference is often made between the mind and body, poor physical health can lead to an amplified risk of developing mental health problems. Likewise, poor mental health can adversely impact physical health, leading to an increased risk of some conditions. The World Health Organization defines health "as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity". They also state that "there is no health without mental health".

This means that our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes can positively or negatively affect our natural operation. In other words, our minds can affect how healthy our bodies perform. 

Exercising also increases our energy levels, sense of well-being, sleep and brain health. Engaging in consistent exercise also lessens the risk of depression and anxiety. 

Many of us think that being spiritual means we have to be religious, quite the contrary. The whole idea of spiritual mindfulness is all about linking with a higher divine power, but also connecting with nature and yourself. Once you have acknowledged this connection, you'll see life from a whole different perspective. People with an extreme advance sense of spiritual awareness are often less prone to depression, addiction, manipulation, and control. In addition, they most often understands what it means to be truly happy and at peace with life and themselves. 

Your soul is an energy entity that holds part of your awareness, learn how to calm your mind so that you can hear the delicate voice and feeling inside you. A great way to do that is with breathing exercises and meditation, which strengthens your ability to communicate to your soul. 

Getting 6-8 hours of sleep is also important, it allows your body to recuperate from exhaustion. It also makes it easier for you to stay focused on your thoughts which allows you to stay in control and is important for increasing spiritual awareness. 

Spiritual awareness and nature are highly connected, when studying nature it helps you understand and live in harmony with it. When your connection with nature increases, so will your spiritual awareness. When you become more aware of your natural environment, you'll start to see things differently and understand why things happen as they do. Spiritual awareness helps you to understand who you truly are and the reason you were put here on this earth.

In closing, the mind, body, and soul are connected in such a way that we cannot live a healthy balanced life if either are out of sync. We must strive daily to consciously work on how we treat and speak to ourselves, how we allow others to treat us and make sure that we live a positive lifestyle that is conducive to love and happiness. 

Raising Powerful Girls

When raising powerful girls, our ultimate goal is to make sure that they are secure with themselves. They grow to make positive decisions about their lives and they think critically about the world surrounding them. We want them to express their feelings in a way that shows love and compassion towards themselves and others. We want our girls to know that they can do and achieve anything that they put their minds to and there is nothing that can stop them. They will know that hard work, determination, and doing the right things will always put them ahead of the game. 

When we look deep into what a powerful girl is, she is a person that pursues her passion and doesn't allow the challenges of life to get the best of her. She is raised with the knowledge that she can do and be whatever she sets her mind to and there is no glass ceiling that she can't break. She is full of self-confidence and knows that beauty resides on the inside and outer beauty is a plus. 

A powerful girl is raised to have a voice in the decisions regarding her well being (whenever possible of course). As parents we allow our girls to make decisions on what she wants to wear, what activities she wants to participate in and what career path she wants to take when the time comes. Allowing these decisions to be made by our girls gives them a sense of control over their life and reinforces their high esteem. 

When raising powerful girls, we want our daughters to be able to solve issues on their own, without us always coming to the rescue. When we do this girls don't develop the necessary coping skills needed to handle situations on their own. Ask your daughter about three separate situations that you stepped in to handle for her. Ask her how she would have handle it (if the scenario allowed it) and what the possible outcome could have been. Even if you don't agree with how she handled it, you gave her a sense of control over her life and show her that she can be responsible for her decisions.

We also want our daughters to love the image that looks back at them in the mirror. Body image issues are high among tweens and teens, with the images they see in the magazines, social media and TV. It can be a bit over whelming to a young mind to constantly be reminded of how she's supposed to look. As parents raising powerful girls we want to reinforce that brains are much more important than outer beauty. That assertiveness going after your goals and passion will take you just as far if not farther than looks will. We also want to make sure that we are assisting our daughters in making healthy choices when it comes to food and emphasize the importance of physical activity. 

When it comes to sex and loving relationships we as parents want the best for our daughters and we want them to make the best decisions possible when choosing to go down that path. We want to have age appropriate conversations with them so she understands the difference between sexualized images in the media and healthy sexuality. Through give and take discussions, we can help her begin to understand the difference between love and lust and how the media frequently portrays sex without love, intimacy or emotion. We want our daughters to make healthy decisions regarding sex and love and the only way to give them the control they need to make those decisions is through conversation. 

We want our daughters to have control in every area of their life, and though that may not be possible at all times the areas that they do have control over we want them to feel secure and powerful in those roles. As parents we have to make sure that we are giving them the tools that they need to go out in this world equipped with the knowledge needed to be successful in all that they do. They can only do that with our love and support. 

Healthy Relationships

What does a healthy relationship look like to you?  Is it a relationship that embodies mutual respect for all parties involved, honesty and fairness, along with good communication? If not, then it's time to re-evaluate the relationships that you're in.

There are four sets of important relationships one has in their life: the relationship you have with yourself, the relationship you have with your peers, the relationship you have with family members and lastly the relationship you have with your significant other. Now they are in no particular order  but I believe the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself because it sets the tone for all the other relationships in your life.

Let's start with the relationship you have with yourself. There is a really nice quote that I like by Henry David Thoreau that really speaks to the relationship one has with his/herself. It states "It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate". A healthy relationship starts with how you think and feel about yourself, do you speak positively to yourself i.e positive affirmations? I am a huge advocate of positive affirmations, how you speak to yourself will determine how you feel and what you feel you can achieve. Your relationship with self is the most important and crucial relationship in your life. Your career, your personal relationships, your home life and health are all a direct result of the quality of your relationship with you. Going forward make sure that you make positives changes when it comes to the relationship you have with yourself. Your attitude about yourself determines your outcome; your goal should be to have an authentic and positive relationship with yourself. This is the key to living an effective, successful, happy life.

Your relationship with your peers is also a very important relationship in your life. How do you want to be perceived by your boss and your peers? Competent, Reliable, Honest, Responsible, Self-Disciplined and Operates in Integrity. With friends, you want to be perceived as Trustworthy, Loyal, Compassionate, Forgiving, Generous, Kind, Loving and Reliable. These are positive attributes that you want to encompass in order to build healthy and successful relationships in your work environment. At the end of the day you have to know what is important to you by determining your values for your professional and personal life. This is determined by the company you keep, your perception of them and their perception of you. You want that relationship to be a positive, a transparent one, a relationship that will bear fruit and always keep you moving forward.

The relationship you have with your spouse or significant other is also an important relationship that should be based on Trust, Honesty, Support, Loyalty and Good Communication. All of these things take work. Each relationship is most likely a combination of both healthy and unhealthy characteristics. Relationships need to be maintained and healthy relationships take work.
I recall years ago talking t a friend that was separated from his wife, they were going through some things regarding their marriage and I made a comment stating that what he was going through was too much work. I also stated that I felt like that marriage should not be that much work.......boy was I wrong. Later in life once I got married my tune changed dramatically. I learned that anything worth having requires work on both parts. A healthy relationship should bring more happiness than stress into your life. Every relationship will have stress at times, but you want to prevent prolonged mental stress on either person in the relationship. Below are some points to keep in mind when pursuing a healthy relationship.

• Take care of yourself and have good self-esteem independent of your relationship
• Maintain and respect each others individuality
• Maintain relationships with friends and family
• Have activities apart from one another
• Express yourselves to one another without fear of consequence
• A feeling of comfort and security
• Take interest in one another's activities
• Trust and be honest with one another

Above all, your relationship with you comes first. Make sure that you nurture it and give it all the attention is deserves. The positive relationship you have with yourself will set the tone for the relationships proceeding it. 

#PERSONALDEVELOPMENT

Women in the Workplace, The challenges they have to navigate

Women, especially African American women are the most educated gender and race group. Women are half of the labor force and earn the majority of advanced degrees; but while women are doing outstandingly well in universities and in the workplace it's a contradictory representation. According to the Chicago Tribune, women are hitting a glass ceiling. Research also confirms that the higher a women climbs the workforce/corporate ladder, the greater the wage gap.

Pay equity is the biggest disparity among women in the workforce. Below are just a few categories of women earning less than men do in those same fields.

•       77.5% women’s salaries all occupations
•        72.7% women’s salaries in professional specialties
•        72.3% upper-level executives’ salaries

In spite of all the educational gains that women have made, the accumulative wage gap is more than the price of a home ($430,000).

Another barrier that women face in the workforce is that if they are competent, they are disliked by their peers. Unlike their counterpart that is seen as forceful and worthy of promotion, women who display the same traits are often seen as unfeminine, aggressive and untrustworthy. Psychologist Madeline Heilman of New York University notes that less competent women are seen as more likable but not very good at their jobs…….another lose lose for women.

Barrier 3 is the credit that women are due regarding their accomplishments. Women are hard workers and their desired goal is achievement. But oftentimes in achieving these great accomplishments the men are standing in the shadows ready to scoop in and take the credit. It’s not necessarily a matter of discrimination against women but simply a skewed idea we all have in our heads about what men and women can or can't do.

Despite these barriers, women are making gains in the entrepreneurial sector. Women owned businesses grew 1 ½ times the national average since 1997. Today between 30% -40% of all businesses are owned and operated by women.

When discussing the barriers that women face in the workplace and with the rising numbers in entrepreneurship, becoming a business owner looks very promising for women. Let’s look at some of the pros of being an entrepreneurial.

Partnership in Business

Pros:

Partners can contribute capitol

They offer a built-in support system

You share in the responsibilities

Two heads are better than one when it comes to ideas and creativity

Your business has access to a wide range of skill sets

So ladies, when it comes to the barriers that impede most women from reaching the highest levels of success in the workplace. It’s nice to know that we are making gains in another area that will allow us to put all of our time, energy and creativity in building our own empires where the glass ceiling is not an issue for us.

Sources:

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/commentary/ct-women-pay-gap-workplace-equality-perspec-0519-jm-20160518-story.html

https://www.resourcefulmanager.com/women-workplace-statistics/

http://glassceiling.info/barriers-for-women/

https://www.inc.com/young-entrepreneur-council/the-pros-and-cons-of-entrepreneurial-partnerships.html