A Woman's Strength

Why do we give so freely to others what we so desperately need to give ourselves? We love and care for others asking no questions, we give our time and compassion while neglecting our every need. We abandon our health, our peace of mind, our energy and so much more. We put our heart on the line without knowing the rules while we agree to play the game. Have we not earned the prize by putting others first? Taking care of a sick spouse or significant other, a child, a parent/family members and even strangers all the while needing a reassuring word, a hug, a thank you, or I appreciate you. At what point do we stop and realize that we're going to break down if we don't start putting our health and wellbeing first? 

It starts with fatigue, then a lingering cold that turns into the flu or some other health ailment. We start to gain weight due to improper nutrition and lack of sleep and exercise. 

Our mind is in shambles because we fail to slow down, relax and care for the one person that matters the most......YOU!

It's not selfish to put yourself first; sometimes it’s absolutely necessary, a moment to think and get clarity on the day’s event, a sit-down home cooked meal, a relaxing bubble bath and getting to bed early to get at least seven hours of uninterrupted sleep. We need that more than ever. I'm sure we've all heard the saying "you can't give from an empty cup". That saying is so true.

A woman’s strength can lead to her frailty and ineffectiveness.

If you continue to play the role of savoir to all, you will find that you will be the one that will need saving.

#SELFLOVEISPOWER

Girls in the System

I sat dumbfounded with my mouth wide open as I listened to a group of 14 and 15-year-old girls brag about some outrageous acts. From stealing cars to breaking in homes, as if they were getting a new phone or kissing a boy. They knew where the tracking devices were, on the engine of the cars, steering column and in the tire. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I’m a grown ass woman and even I don’t know how to change a tire let alone hotwire a vehicle! As the girls bragged about the adventures all I heard was, “A real criminal would know where the tracking device is”, as if that were something to be proud of. Hell, they even knew who to call if they wanted to flip a quick sale and earn up to $400. Who knew……

I would often ask the girls if they were in the juvenile system because of a decision they personally made or because an adult failed to decide for them. They admitted that it was their own decision to steal cars and commit breaking and entering. Whatever happened to girls wanting to be cute, go to the mall to window shop, or go on dates with the cutest guy in school? These girls would rather participate in delinquent activities and make decisions that could utterly ruin their futures. What would make a girl want to do this? The answers were simple; my older brother taught me, this is what my uncles does, or it’s just for fun. I warned them that one day, they’re going to break into the wrong person’s home or vehicle and receive a horrible surprise. I shook my head and thought, “they are fearlessly foolish”.

I also heard stories of running from the police, being slammed in the snow face down and assaulting the police; these were 14 and 15-year-old girls acting tough as if they were big strong men defending their honor. No fear whatsoever! How do we change this behavior, this mindset? These young girls are products of dysfunction, lack of supervision, love, structure and discipline, and ultimately their environments. These girls have been exposed to way too much and it hasn’t been positive and as a result they have gotten themselves involved into some unsavory activities with dangerous outcomes.

Talking to these girls every other Wednesday has opened my eyes to the realization that their environments are not conducive to them becoming productive members of society. At times, they convincingly speak as if they want to change; but, how can they? I can give them all the pep talks, empower and motivate them to change, and show them that by changing their behavior and mindset they can have a life of fun, success and less drama. However, if they must return to the same toxic, structureless environment with no discipline. Where no one is enforcing rules, teaching self-control and a different way of thinking……then change is impossible.

It would be ideal if these girls could experience a typical teenage life. Liking boys and going on dates, shopping for the latest fashions, trying out for the cheerleading team and what they’re wearing to the school dance or prom. Not hotwiring a car, running from the police or breaking in a home hoping they don’t get busted. Where are the parents, the adults in their life that are responsible for them……has times changed that much? Are parents or should I say mothers too busy to be worried about their daughter’s whereabouts or well-being? Is it too much to ask a mother to love, nurture and raise up her daughter to be a respectable woman? 

PARENTS……..we have got to do better. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, I’ve been a single mother trying to figure it all out. It’s not fun and at times it was hard as hell, but our children didn’t ask to be here. It’s time to start sacrificing your time and energy and start raising our children with love, respect, manners and discipline. Yes, we are busy, with work, some school but our children are our greatest investment and they are a reflection of the time, blood, sweat and tears we put into them. As mothers, inexperienced and mature, we can never be too busy or preoccupied with life not to pay attention to the outcry that our daughters give to us.

Sometimes they just want us to ask them how their day was, what happened in school, with your friends or if something is bothering them. They want to know that we care about them outside of just being their parent and making sure that they’re doing what they’re supposed to do in school and home. They want to spend time with mom having lunch, getting their nails done or just spending the day with mom doing something or nothing at all…….just mother daughter time. Moms, that means so much to them, you wouldn’t believe. 

I was literally just having a conversation on last night with some girls, and it shocked me that these girls argue back and forth with their mothers and grandmothers. The adults that take care of them, or at lease expected to care for them. They were saying how “me and my mother go back and forth arguing, and I try not to talk back and curse her out but sometimes she just gets on my nerves”. Again, I was shocked, I wouldn’t have dared think or attempt to verbally spar with my mother or even curse at her for that matter. Mumble under my breath while walking away, sure but I better hope she doesn’t hear me. Slam my bedroom door, of course but in the midst I’m hoping and praying that she doesn’t follow me and swing open the door and give me the look of death that says “how dare you slam a door in my home where I pay the rent and bills”. I was that scared of my mother, not these girls and I truly believe that mothers are to blame for some of this behavior. 

We get frustrated and we take it out on our kids, we have a bad day at work, so we come home yelling and hollering, taking it out on the kids. If our significant other has made us mad……we take it out on the kids, it’s not their fault. They’re trying to figure it out as well and they’re looking to us for the answers, and when they don’t get the answers, love and direction from us they get it from someone that may not have their best intention in mind. WE HAVE GOT TO DO BETTER!

No longer can we act and appear as if we have it all together…..we don’t, and our children’s behavior is a clear indication of it. It’s ok to reach out to your village, your elders, women in your tribe that you trust to help guide you and give you the answers that you need. We can’t do it alone……we need that village and I’m sure if you reach out, that village will gladly and willingly help.  And if you don’t have any of the above, you have me.

Sonya Cooke the Mentor, no judgement!

Our Youth

I vividly recall my excitement when I decided to pursue a job at an elementary school. My goal was to run for the school board, but I also wanted firsthand experience interacting with children in the education environment. I chose an Indiana Public School (IPS) in the neighborhood because my children attended. I also knew some of the staff and I knew my way around with being familiar with the school and wanted to make a difference there.

I figured if I was on the inside, I would be able to advocate and mentor the girls through my Girl Talk Inc. Empowerment Program while also being able to help them academically. Man, let me tell you, did I get a rude awakening, and as I mentioned before I was a mother of two kids that attended the IPS system.

I quickly found out that these kids were not only bad as hell, they were disrespectful, out of control, and had no self-control for themselves or others. These kids were acting like wild animals with their erratic behavior! Now, to be crystal clear these are 10, 11, & 12-year-old boys and girls very few 13-year-olds. Babies to me, who portrayed the most horrendous behaviors I have ever seen in all my 47 years of life from children.

Growing up I was raised to say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am”, please and thank you, and to respect my elders regardless of the circumstances. That is not to say I or others from my generation didn’t cut up, but we had enough respect to not curse in front of an adult especially our parents; hell, any adult for that matter! No, not the kids I encountered, they cursed, yelled, screamed, shoved, threatened and even to the extent of kicking over classroom furniture.

 What I later learned through their reluctant telling, stories from teachers, and reading material on adolescent behavior, these kids were failed by their parents, loved ones, and adults who were charged with loving and protecting them. The same individuals who were supposed to take care of, provide shelter, clothing, food and guidance for them. These children were acting out what they had seen, heard, and experienced in both their home and environment. These children have had and continued to experience trauma that no child should ever have to experience at their age and especially when this trauma is avoidable and often inflicted by the ones they love.

These poor kids were hurting and acting out wanting help, and the only way they knew how to express themselves was through defiant behavior that would appear to an adult, an authority figure as disrespectful and out of control.

I said all of that to say, PARENTS, we must do better!

I constantly hear and have been guilty of saying myself. These kids are bad as hell, they need ass whooping’s, or the politically correct verbiage is “they need discipline”, and love. I was that parent and mentor saying this consistently. I’ve learned that they need so much more! Yes, kids do need love and discipline however they also need someone to listen to them and understand what they have been through and are going through. Children need stability and consistency; the village of old, counseling, therapy, in lieu of suspensions or juvenile disciplinary action.

My call to action is this, young mothers I am here for you; we are here for you! I was once you, a young mother with two young children, inexperienced and trying to figure it all out. Failing at times but trying to do my absolute best at others. Now there are a lot of things I hear young mothers are doing in front of their children that I didn’t dare do. I am not judging but again, as mothers we have to do better. Children learn from what they see and hear, they repeat and imitate these said actions. We can’t get upset about what our children are doing when we are providing them with the blueprint to do so. We must do better!

I am a mother, a mentor, and the village! Whatever I can do to assist the young mothers of this generation to raise their children in a healthy, loving, and well-balanced environment; I’ll take the initiative and do! I don’t profess to know everything, however what I do know through experience and education I will whole heartedly share. I will go to the ends of the earth to be there. I am here for you, as we as a village are here for you, so let us help!

What Does Self-Love Look Like?

What does self-love look like to you? Self-Love is defined as regard for one's own well being and happiness.

Does self-love look like dressing up in the most expensive name brand clothes, keeping your hair and nails done? Does it look like an independent woman investing in herself through education and moving up the ladder on her job....enjoying a thriving career? Or does self-love look like a woman that is spiritually connected to a higher being? She goes to church every Sunday, she sings in the choir and she may even be on the usher board. Self-love may even look like a woman that is adored by many, they may think she has it altogether, envying her every move.

Self-Love can be all of those things.....or neither of them. When we discuss self-love, we talk about loving yourself, inside and out, flaws and all. You accept the person you are, but you never stop improving. Despite mistakes, challenges, hurts and pains you realize that you have to love yourself through it all. You understand that you will not tolerate mistreatment from others. You realize that you can't be everything to everyone, you also understand that if you want the life of success you must work hard for it. Persevering through the muddy waters with your head held high and not giving up when the going gets tough. You also come to the realization that you have to surround yourself with positive energy. People that will have your back, uplift and empower you, friends that you can be transparent with and will hold you accountable. You want to be able to be yourself around these people......you know, be your authentic self.

You also want to have a loving, honest and real intimate relationship. We all know that we teach others how to treat us, so we have to be in a place where we draw those types of people into our lives. We have to be confident enough to know that we deserve to be treated like a QUEEN, and nothing less.

The only way to come to the realization that Self-Love is POWER! Is dealing with the past hurts and pains that have beaten up our self-esteem and self-worth. The issues and situations that has us thinking that we aren't worth the love and affection that we crave from others. That we're not worth the accolades and success that we long for and seek out.....whether on the job, in relationships (intimate and otherwise), or going after your goals. At the end of the day, we have to deal with our challenges and the issues that keep us stagnate. We have to realize that all of the storms that we've been through were there to test our character and build our strength for the next stage in our lives.

So ladies, make sure that your well being and happiness comes first. Make sure that you're taking care of yourself Mind, Body and Soul because remember.......you can't pour from an empty cup.

#selfloveispower
#personaldevelopment
sonyacookethementor.com

Personal Development

I recall when I wanted to pursue the area of Personal Development. I had some introspective moments where I thought back over all the things that I had been through, and how bless I've been to survive it all and still be in my right mind. From my childhood, through my teens years and then early adulthood, until now.......the woman I am today. I have truly persevered, despite the obstacles, challenges and mistakes. I always knew that I wanted to be more than what society tells you you are when you make mistakes of the magnitude that I did. So, in my late 20's I decided to start working on me, you know really making an effort. No matter how small the steps or minute the accomplishment; I knew it was time to take responsibility for myself and my actions if I wanted to be the person I knew I was destine to be.

See, when we talk about Personal Development we talk about personal growth, increasing our value to oneself and the community, taking responsibility for our decisions in life. We seek out our true purpose and work on the relationships that are dear to us. There are so many other components to personal development, but the KEY factor is you want to be a better you than before. 

 Personal Development can sometimes be done on your own by doing some introspective thinking and really reviewing your past, what your struggles and obstacles have been, where you are in life now and what your true purpose is. Some need help in this area by getting a mentor or seeing a certified professional coach. A person who can guide you and asked all the right questions to really get you thinking about your path in life. I personally believe that we all have had moments in our lives, regardless how successful we are, where we had to do some Personal Development. 

Personal Development doesn't mean a deficiency in your self-worth, it just means that there's some areas in your life you want to improve. Recognizing that comes with maturity and wanting to be the best you possible. So, I started on my journey towards Personal Development. I started reading more, books that could increase my vocabulary, books that would get my imaginations going. You see I had to change my mindset if I was truly going to change my life. I changed my circle of associates and friends, now all this didn't happen immediately. You see, I prayed and asked God to take people out of my life that wasn't meant to go on the journey that he had for me and to bring people into my life that could assist, empower and inspire me to get to the next level in my life. People that I could be authentic and transparent with......that would hold me accountable. I wanted and needed that positive energy around me.

That started my journey to where I am now, married almost 14 years, two adult children that are doing well and a life that I knew I would have one day. Never giving up on where I knew I could be in life, happy and self-assured more than ever. Determined not to settle for mediocrity, but wanting the best out of life for me, so that I can give the best of me to my purpose, my children, loved ones and the women that I serve in my community. This is where Personal Development has gotten me.

If there are areas in your life that you want to improve, and you feel as if you can't do it on your own. Reach out to a mentor or a professional coach in your community, someone that you can trust that will help guide you and get you on the path towards living your best life.

#sonyacookementor
#personaldevelopment
sonyacookethementor.com

We are responsible for US and US alone

Disclaimer: these words, thoughts and opinions are mine and mine alone.

So......I read an article on yesterday about a young woman who went on a date with actor comedian Aziz Ansari and by her accounts the date was "not fun for her and he made her feel uncomfortable".

Now let me give you a summary of their date to give you some perspective. She met Ansari at a party and was excited to meet him, she went up to him said hi....he was disinterested. She persisted and pointed out that they had the same unique camera. The talked, flirted throughout the night even though she was there with another date. They exchanged numbers before leaving and when he got back to NY he contacted her for a date. Fast forward to date night, she goes to his place in Tribeca and the leave from there to a nice seafood restaurant. They order dinner and a bottle of wine, per her words she felt that he was rushing through dinner to the point of asking the waiter for the check when she still had food on her plate and wine in her glass and the bottle. They walk back to his place and the semi sexual encounter begins. She comments on his counter tops, he ask her to hop up on it, he starts to kiss her and she kisses him back. He undresses himself and her and although she states she feels uncomfortable they continue. He then starts to give her oral sex, he ask for a BJ in return, she obliges. He voices that he's going to get a condom......she responds "Whoa, let's relax for a sec, let's chill". They continue to kiss, he puts his fingers in her mouth and ask her how and where does she want to be fucked, she let's him know that she feels uncomfortable. He backs away, they relax on the couch, the touching continues, he wants sex and alludes to it. She continues to resist with nonverbal ques as she states, he's never forceful or threatening. This went on for another 30 minutes until she decides she's had enough and goes on to tell him that you guys are all the fucking same. He calls her an Uber and she goes home
She decides to contact a few of her friends and tell them about the horrible date she just had and how all he wanted to do was get her drunk and have sex; she was disappointed.
She states her friends help her grapple with the aftermath of her night with Ansari. She says "it took a really long time for me to validate this as sexual assault. She says she was debating if this just an awkward sexual experience or sexual assault. She states that why she spoke with so many of her friends to get validation of her experience.

Now.....for my honest and humble opinion.

As I stated in the title of this story, we women are responsible for us and our actions. Outside of someone having a weapon to our head or bodies or being threatened, we have the right and should leave the situation when we no longer feel comfortable. It doesn't matter how much we like a person or how nice of a person we perceived him to be. When we no longer are having fun or feel like we're in a position of being pressured, it's time to go. We are not timid voiceless beings void of strength to the point we can't stand up for ourselves and let our voices be heard. We have the POWER until we chose to give it away by not speaking up. Just like we tell and ask the opposite sex to be and take responsibility for their actions. We have to do the same, no matter what the situation and I'm not talking about how we dress because there is NEVER a time where what you wear is an invitation for assault or rape. But we do have to be aware of our surroundings, our actions and how we respond to the situations we're in.

I feel that I can speak on this topic because I WAS a victim of rape and sexual assault as a child. I had no power, but what I did have was my voice and I knew that what was happening to me was wrong and I immediately told an adult.

These are my words and my opinions. Please share your thoughts and opinions, and although we may or may not agree I respect everyone's point of view.

#sonyacookementor

Here is the link to the original story: https://babe.net/2018/01/13/aziz-ansari-28355

The freedom of Transparency

Isn't it amazingly refreshing to admit "I DON'T HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER"!

Why do we feel as if we have to put on this façade to the world that all is peachy king in our lives and we have the bull by the horns? It's ok to not have all the answers.......it's ok to be unsure sometimes.

I honestly believe that we do this because we want to portray to the world.....our friends.....and even family members that nothing can get the best of us, and all the while we are crumbling inside. On the inside, our lives our filled with chaos and we're a tick away from breaking down and succumbing to mayhem in our lives.

Why do we feel we can't be transparent to the ones closest to us? The Merriam Webster dictionary defines Transparent as free from pretense or deceit. Is this how we want to be portrayed by the people we say we care about the most......deceitful and pretentious? I don't believe so. In our pursuit to transparency we really don't have to have it all together, and we don't have to appear that we do. What we should be aiming for is being able to be our authentic selves. In a world where everything and everyone is so made up and fake, it is invigorating to be true to yourself. Admitting that hey.......my kids are acting a plum fool, or I didn't get the promotion on the job because I've been late more then enough times. Or how about my relationship is not what it appears to be on social media.

Who are we trying to impress? Because truth be told we all have a mini tornado in our lives waiting to tear the roof off this mutha, LOL and the ones that appear as if they don't, possibly has so much stress in their lives from pretending that they're causing their own internal tornado.

Trust me, no one will look at you sideways for that, at least not the people in your life that truly care about you; hell they don't even have it all together. None of us do, but what we do have each other and a healthy sense of who we are and even though we don't have it all together and it seems as if the world is falling apart. Knowing that you can be who you really are without having to put on airs to impress others is so liberating. Also once we start to actually live in our truth, then and only then can we start to put the pieces together one by one and live the stress free life that transparency and authenticity affords.

#sonyacookementor