Girls in the System

I sat dumbfounded with my mouth wide open as I listened to a group of 14 and 15-year-old girls brag about some outrageous acts. From stealing cars to breaking in homes, as if they were getting a new phone or kissing a boy. They knew where the tracking devices were, on the engine of the cars, steering column and in the tire. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I’m a grown ass woman and even I don’t know how to change a tire let alone hotwire a vehicle! As the girls bragged about the adventures all I heard was, “A real criminal would know where the tracking device is”, as if that were something to be proud of. Hell, they even knew who to call if they wanted to flip a quick sale and earn up to $400. Who knew……

I would often ask the girls if they were in the juvenile system because of a decision they personally made or because an adult failed to decide for them. They admitted that it was their own decision to steal cars and commit breaking and entering. Whatever happened to girls wanting to be cute, go to the mall to window shop, or go on dates with the cutest guy in school? These girls would rather participate in delinquent activities and make decisions that could utterly ruin their futures. What would make a girl want to do this? The answers were simple; my older brother taught me, this is what my uncles does, or it’s just for fun. I warned them that one day, they’re going to break into the wrong person’s home or vehicle and receive a horrible surprise. I shook my head and thought, “they are fearlessly foolish”.

I also heard stories of running from the police, being slammed in the snow face down and assaulting the police; these were 14 and 15-year-old girls acting tough as if they were big strong men defending their honor. No fear whatsoever! How do we change this behavior, this mindset? These young girls are products of dysfunction, lack of supervision, love, structure and discipline, and ultimately their environments. These girls have been exposed to way too much and it hasn’t been positive and as a result they have gotten themselves involved into some unsavory activities with dangerous outcomes.

Talking to these girls every other Wednesday has opened my eyes to the realization that their environments are not conducive to them becoming productive members of society. At times, they convincingly speak as if they want to change; but, how can they? I can give them all the pep talks, empower and motivate them to change, and show them that by changing their behavior and mindset they can have a life of fun, success and less drama. However, if they must return to the same toxic, structureless environment with no discipline. Where no one is enforcing rules, teaching self-control and a different way of thinking……then change is impossible.

It would be ideal if these girls could experience a typical teenage life. Liking boys and going on dates, shopping for the latest fashions, trying out for the cheerleading team and what they’re wearing to the school dance or prom. Not hotwiring a car, running from the police or breaking in a home hoping they don’t get busted. Where are the parents, the adults in their life that are responsible for them……has times changed that much? Are parents or should I say mothers too busy to be worried about their daughter’s whereabouts or well-being? Is it too much to ask a mother to love, nurture and raise up her daughter to be a respectable woman? 

PARENTS……..we have got to do better. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, I’ve been a single mother trying to figure it all out. It’s not fun and at times it was hard as hell, but our children didn’t ask to be here. It’s time to start sacrificing your time and energy and start raising our children with love, respect, manners and discipline. Yes, we are busy, with work, some school but our children are our greatest investment and they are a reflection of the time, blood, sweat and tears we put into them. As mothers, inexperienced and mature, we can never be too busy or preoccupied with life not to pay attention to the outcry that our daughters give to us.

Sometimes they just want us to ask them how their day was, what happened in school, with your friends or if something is bothering them. They want to know that we care about them outside of just being their parent and making sure that they’re doing what they’re supposed to do in school and home. They want to spend time with mom having lunch, getting their nails done or just spending the day with mom doing something or nothing at all…….just mother daughter time. Moms, that means so much to them, you wouldn’t believe. 

I was literally just having a conversation on last night with some girls, and it shocked me that these girls argue back and forth with their mothers and grandmothers. The adults that take care of them, or at lease expected to care for them. They were saying how “me and my mother go back and forth arguing, and I try not to talk back and curse her out but sometimes she just gets on my nerves”. Again, I was shocked, I wouldn’t have dared think or attempt to verbally spar with my mother or even curse at her for that matter. Mumble under my breath while walking away, sure but I better hope she doesn’t hear me. Slam my bedroom door, of course but in the midst I’m hoping and praying that she doesn’t follow me and swing open the door and give me the look of death that says “how dare you slam a door in my home where I pay the rent and bills”. I was that scared of my mother, not these girls and I truly believe that mothers are to blame for some of this behavior. 

We get frustrated and we take it out on our kids, we have a bad day at work, so we come home yelling and hollering, taking it out on the kids. If our significant other has made us mad……we take it out on the kids, it’s not their fault. They’re trying to figure it out as well and they’re looking to us for the answers, and when they don’t get the answers, love and direction from us they get it from someone that may not have their best intention in mind. WE HAVE GOT TO DO BETTER!

No longer can we act and appear as if we have it all together…..we don’t, and our children’s behavior is a clear indication of it. It’s ok to reach out to your village, your elders, women in your tribe that you trust to help guide you and give you the answers that you need. We can’t do it alone……we need that village and I’m sure if you reach out, that village will gladly and willingly help.  And if you don’t have any of the above, you have me.

Sonya Cooke the Mentor, no judgement!